Just sitting here, watching a long training video of sexual abuse awareness, reading over old blog posts, and pondering loneliness and unrequited affection.
A new color came up on the horizon recently, soon to join the rainbow of colors that wanted nothing to do with my grey world. She's kind, beautiful, caring, faithful, strong, and a host of other things I'll likely never be able to know in any sort of loving way. Part of me is genuinely grateful to just have met her as she's all I could ever want in a wife, but the other part of me knows this path and knows that when she says she doesn't know if she wants to go to coffee (yeah, coffee is a bullshit and lifeless pursuit but Southeastern girls scatter when the dreaded "date" is brought up, so I thought I had a better shot) she means that she doesn't want to but is nice and doesn't want to hurt me by outright saying no. So instead, as with H, I get to let time elongate my discomfort as I wait for the hammer to drop. Call me naive, but I really didn't expect her to give me a neutral answer. I thought that was a one time thing from H, and that "yes" or "no" would be the response going forward.
I saw her today. Mid lunch, and then like a finger snap I lose all sense of appetite and concentration just knowing she's near. Affection and desire sucks, man. Weeks of just feeling sad and afraid and hopeful and affectionate and small and courageous and cowardly and impatient and all for what is likely nothing but another notch in the rejection belt. And yet hope, like a freaking gnat, won't totally leave me alone. I know that this girl is a beautiful, godly young woman who deserves only the most handsome and godly man, which I am far from on both counts, and yet this little thought keeps telling me not to give up, not to roll over. But I don't know what to do. If she ever actually responds, huge odds are that she'll give me some form of vocalized disinterest and I'll do my best to act like it doesn't crush me, and I don't really have any logical reason to think she'd even consider me as a romantic option, and of the few things I'm confident of in my life there are very few I'm more confident in than that she won't ever want me back. But hope won't leave me alone.
Dan (or anyone reading this someday as if that's ever going to happen), if you ever do find romantic love in a wife, spend time every fucking day to tell her you love her and you're grateful to God for her. You know damn well how easy it is for love to be snuffed out or to die alone. If you or anyone is reading this and you have someone who chose you for life, please live thankfully to God as romantic love and commitment happening seems to be such a crazy and rare thing.
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