Excerpts from Coming Up for Air by George Orwell

“I wondered why it is that we’re all such bloody fools. Why don’t people, instead of the idiocies they do spend their time on, just walk around looking at things? That pool, for instance-all the stuff that’s in it. Newts, water-snails, water-beetles, caddis-flies, leeches, and God knows how many other things that you can only see with a microscope. The mystery of their lives, down there in the water. You could spend a lifetime watching them, ten lifetimes, and still you wouldn’t have got to the end even of that one pool. And all the while the sort of feeling of wonder, the peculiar flame inside you. It’s the one thing worth having, and we don’t want it.
…
I know it’s a good feeling to have. What’s more, so does everybody else, or nearly everybody. It’s just round the corner all the time, and we know it’s there. Stop firing that machine-gun! Stop chasing whatever you’re chasing! Calm down, get your breath back, let a bit of peace seep into your bones. No use. We don’t do it. Just keep on with the same bloody fooleries.
…
There’s something that’s gone out of us in these twenty years since the war (WWI). It’s a kind of vital juice that we’ve squirted away until there’s nothing left. All this rushing to and fro! Everlasting scramble for a bit of cash. Everlasting din of buses, bombs, radios, telephone bells. Nerves worn all to bits, empty places in our bones where the marrow out to be.”

—	Coming Up for Air by George Orwell, published in 1939.

Cat on a Hot Tin Roof

"Living with somebody you love can be lonelier than living entirely alone when the one you love doesn't love you."

"With my eyes closed, I just see you."
"You'll make out fine, your kind always does."

"I'm not living with you. We occupy the same cage, that's all."

"I don't mind making a fool of myself over you."

"You can be young without money, but you can't be old without it."

"People like doing what they used to do, after they've stopped being able to do it."

"How does one drowning man help another drowning man?"

"You won't live with mendacity? Well, you're an expert at it! The truth is pain and sweat and payin' bills and makin' love to a woman that you don't love any more. Truth is dreams that don't come true, and nobody prints your name in the paper 'til you die."

"Mendacity is a system we live in." 

"Sometimes I wish I had a pill to make people disappear."

"It was the Cotton Bowl, sister woman."

"You can't buy love! I don't want things!"

"But, there's one thing you can't buy at any European fire sale, or any other market on Earth. That's your life. You can't buy back your life when it's finished."

"The men who build empires die, and empires die, too."

"I don't know what to believe in. Now what's the good of livin' if you've got nothin' to believe in? There's gotta be some, some purpose in life, some meanin.' Look at me. For the sake of God, look at me before it's too late. For once in your life, look at me as I really am. Look at me. I'm a failure. I'm a drunk. On my own in the open market, I'm not worth the price of a decent burial."

"You... you got pain - at least you know you're alive. It's easin' somewhat now. When you got pain, it's better to judge yourself of a lot of things. I'm not gonna stupify myself with that stuff. I wanna think clear. I want to see everything, and I want to feel everything. Then I won't mind goin'. I've got the guts to die. What I want to know - do you have the guts to live?"

"Ain't nothing more powerful than the odor of mendacity...you can smell it. It smells like death." 

Good movie.

Stood there like a fool when it started to Snow

“I’m falling for a heart of Snow, your winter spell won’t let me go. I’m frozen. I’m drowning in your arctic sea, can’t break the ice that covers me. I’m frozen.

...

Couldn’t walk away and let you go, stood there like a fool when it started to Snow.”

Happy Valentine's Day, presumably future Dan who is likely the only one ever to read this!

12:16 This is going to be a progressive blog post. I got called off work tonight, so today will be a movie day. Among the possibilities are Taxi Driver, Citizen Kane, Dumb & Dumber, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, Blue Valentine, and Her. With the exception of Her (only seen once, reserving judgment), all of those are movies I love that deal with ideas of love and/or loneliness. I'll likely put the names in a hat and just draw 3 of them out.


1:52 The films will be Blue Valentine, followed by WVU vs. Iowa State, followed by Eternal Sunshine and finally Her. 

9:41 Blue Valentine is always such a weighty viewing. It's so well-done and artistically beautiful, and yet it just tears at whatever sense of optimism I have left. All the feelings of doubt and insecurity and "you'll die alone" sound so much more believable after watching such a realistic portrayal of a broken relationship. How can you trust feelings when they can just change? I know that marriage means more than just feelings and desire, that it requires commitment and "a loyalty sworn," I just don't have much faith anyone I have that towards will have it towards me. Who knows. On to Eternal Sunshine. "Why do I fall in love with every woman I see who shows me the least bit attention?"

9:51 I forgot to post earlier. The Smiths' song "I Know It's Over" is an awesome song. It was on the Amazon Anti-Valentine's playlist and man, it's so good. "Oh Mother, I can feel the soil falling over my head."

11:31 Beginning Her. This movie seems like a conglomeration of Blue Valentine, (500) Days of Summer, and Eternal Sunshine, but with Spike Jonze's weird style. It's also more blatantly sexual in a way that doesn't add to the film like Blue Valentine's sexual content does. 

12:10 Explicit language warning: from Her: "I wanted somebody to fuck me. I want somebody to want me to fuck them. Maybe that would have filled this ti-... tiny little hole in my heart, but probably not... and sometimes I think I have felt everything I'm ever gonna feel, and from here on out I'm not gonna feel anything new... just... lesser versions of what I've already felt."

12:58 Her is a movie that will grow with me I think. One that I will make more and more sense and have more and more meaning as I grow older and develop more relationship knowledge. I've got plenty of the loneliness, but hardly any of the relationship.

1:25 Romantic love is too big and yet too elusive a thing for me, I think.
"If you're so funny, then why are you on your own tonight?
If you're so clever, then why are you on your own tonight?
If you're so very entertaining, then why are you on your own tonight?
'Cause tonight is just like any other night
That's why you're on your own tonight
With your triumphs and your charms
While they're in each other's arms
It's so easy to laugh
It's so easy to hate
It takes strength to be gentle and kind
Over, over, over" - "I Know It's Over"

A land of half measures

Perhaps a return to semi-regular blogging is in order?


It's often difficult to live in a land of half measures. To live in a place where nobody really loves anything or has true passion towards something. I love movies. I am passionate film and how it engages people. And yet, I don't know anyone who loves film like I do. I know people who enjoy movies and will sometimes come to my movie nights and others who really like film and will keep an eye on current films, but I don't think I know anyone who loves film. In fact, I'm not entirely sure I know people around me who have passion for anything in the same way as I have passion for movies. I don't mean that to sound arrogant, only that there is so few instances of people who pursue something or feel towards something a full measure of passion. The closest I can think of is people at Southeastern who are truly passionate for bringing the gospel to the world through mission work. The problem is, those people's passion is an active passion and they go and do it. They become church planters, missionaries, etc. I think that is fantastic, but it means that the passionate people around me (At least at Southeastern) don't really stay around.
It just seems to me that if you're passionate about something, if you truly love something and it truly means something to you, then it will make a daily difference in your life. You're going to act upon that which means the most to you (Matt.6:21). If a man loves his wife, then every day should be at least partially directed by that love. If a man passionately cares about his work, then his work should be driven, even in the minutia of it. Maybe that's why I don't see many full measure people around me. Maybe after being here almost 11 years, I've seen the full measure people come and go. Maybe full measure people don't lay roots in the intermediate stage. Maybe they, to quote the Avett Brothers, decide what to be and go be it. Maybe that could be me. Ultimately, Christ should be the definer of our (including my) measures. I think we so often become consumed in ourselves and our sin that living a half measure life is our fallback. It's easier to live without passion. It's easier to live in the halfways. Apathy is easier than love. But there is no Life there.

Hallmark Movies: A small reason for my love of movies

Before I even start, I need to say that I think Hallmark movies are generally poorly made, horribly written, cheesily acted, and entirely manipulative attempts at filmmaking. That said, a Hallmark movie yesterday made me realize a small but definite reason for my love of movies (just not Hallmark ones). I'll explain.

My mom likes to watch sappy Hallmark channel movies so that she can shut her mind off and just be entertained by cheap love stories. I often make fun of them when I am around and she is watching one of them and yesterday was no different. I don't know the plot but the ending I walked in on basically went that the female protagonist had just realized that rather than the man she was chasing the whole film, it was actually the "good guy" best friend that she always depended on but never looked at as more than a friend that she suddenly loved and wanted to marry. She leaves the sought-after guy (who I presume is a jerk and she never noticed/cared) and finds the best friend and proclaims her love, only for him to tell her that he has finally moved on with his life (I presume after loving her for a long time) and doesn't know what she expects him to say after a long time of being unwanted. He then walks away and goes rock climbing (apparently a few feet away?). She decides that "hey, maybe it's time I actually put forth effort into caring about this guy rather than just walking all over his affections" (my guess at her thought process, not actual dialogue) and promptly switches outfits with the guy's climbing buddy, climbs up to where he is, and surprises him and proclaims her love. The guy is apparently able to change his mind after climbing fifty feet (or six feet up on a prop rock) and decides that even though he's been walked all over, unwanted, and has suffered numerous days of emotional pain and toil (again, I'm just assuming here, there's no dialogue to indicate), he's gonna go ahead and let it all slide and marry this girl. Then there's a jump forward to the wedding where they find some random card wishing them well and the girl throws it out for some reason. Boom. The end.

So what on earth does something this trite have to do with my love of movies? Well, I love movies (in small part) because of the fictional world of happy endings that they produce. It's the same in TV and books as well. In movies (and the other forms), the nice guy actually does get the girl (at least a lot of the time). In movies, the male best friend who has loved the girl for a long time actually ends up winning the girl's heart. In movies, love never remains unrequited or one-sided; the lovable loser finds love and the nice guy gets the girl. It's these sentiments that are nice thoughts. I'm not sure that I believe that any of it actually happens in reality, though. Of all the people that I know, I can't think of many "Hallmark moments" where the noble guy's feelings are eventually returned by his love. Most couples I know either just started dating or they had some early connection off which they built their relationship. I honestly don't know of any situation (with one possible exception) in which the guy who loves from afar gets the girl in the end. I'm not so cynical as to say it doesn't happen at all in reality, I just don't see it around me and I certainly have never seen it happen to me. So, it's nice to see those things in movies because it's a reminder that even though it may be fiction and might never actually happen in reality, there are other people who have laid eyes on such situations as unrequited love or love from afar and have fictionalized their own hopes onto a film script. "I'm not alone, I'll never be."

"I am a writer, a writer of fictions"

"I am the heart that you call home.


I've written pages

upon pages

trying to rid you from my

bones."


- The Engine Driver

Ripples & childhood

"You know what sucks? Realizing that everything you believe in is complete and utter bullshit? It sucks."


Hello, 2015.

The above is a line from (500) Days of Summer. That's one of the few films I know of that sends ripples through my heart and mind every time I watch it. It especially does so when you watch it while feeling very similar to the movie, both in character and circumstance ss. It's a film that I think is the most thoroughly "guy movie" in recent years. It's not filled with explosions, guns, sex symbols, or booze. In fact, I imagine most people would not view it as a "guy movie" much at all. However, I'll make my case nonetheless. I think it is thoroughly such a movie for two reasons: it is an amalgamation of different ways in which men get their heartbroken and it is also picture of the general underlying desires of most men, at least in our day and age.

My first point is primarily a point that only men would likely grasp. The movie sums up the subtle heartbreaks of different facets of a relationship. The hopeful man whose expectations don't match with reality. The thought of a chance of being with a woman being crushed by either her selfishness, her indifference/disinterest, or her choice for someone else. That glimpse of gleeful joy upon connection (sadly portrayed through Summer and Tom's first night act of sex) not lasting. The all-too-cruel concept of a girl displaying interest and care, only to then state that she only wants friendship and nothing more. The difficulty of watching the relationship wither and die and being unable to fix it. The strain of being so close to the person you care deeply for ss and yet being unable to change how they feel. The longing to defend, protect, and love a woman being met with the resentment of independence and relational autonomy. The feeling of being so very close and so very far at the same time. I could go on, but this has become enough of a rant as it is.
My point is that the film is filled with ways in which men are heartbroken. Perhaps I'm just reading my own stuff into it and maybe most men don't actually feel any of this and I'm just wrongfully generalizing, but from my interactions with friends, my viewings of film and television (Which are sourced by actual writers), and my readings of various books depicting relationships between men and women, it seems like this really is a collection of the difficulties of being the man in a relationship.

Additionally, I think this all leads to heartache because of the underlying desires of modern men. Only this morning I really grasped how much I have been affected by the culture around my childhood and I imagine it's the same for most others. I grew up watching tv shows and movies filled with examples of the man, often not the "cool" guy or the clear hero, simply being "there" for the woman and oftentimes laying down his life (either in small metaphorical ways or in literal ways). It's this idea of the "nice guy getting the girl" that has permeated my childhood ss. I just watched an episode of Phil of the Future and Kim Possible, two old Disney Channel shows I used to watch that are now on occasional replay. Both shows are great examples of what I'm talking about. Phil is the nice guy who does the right thing and becomes friends with Keely and because he's the good guy, he wins her heart. In Kim Possible, Ron is the best friend who is always willing to sacrifice his own time, desires, and even life (though it never comes to that point since it's a kid show) for Kim because he cares about her and loves her and at the end of the series, Kim realizes that she loves Ron and he's been the one she wanted the whole time. Now what does this have to do with my point? Well, I think it is an underlying desire of many men (At least in this day and age) to love and care for the girl, all the while carrying a hope that she would love him back. Or maybe it's not many men and it's only me and a few others. Maybe that's why I love the movie so much, 'cause it's rare.


Ultimately, it's Tom's own fault for his own heartbreak. Summer tells him she wants only casual (i.e. empty) and because of his desire for "the one," he's willing to adhere to that in hopes that it will progress. There's a key but subtle scene early on in their relationship where Summer tells Tom she isn't looking for a relationship and only wants it to be a casual thing. Tom responds by agreeing and says "Yeah, like casual, right? Take it slow." Right there is the difference between the two people. "Take it slow" implies there is an end goal, one that should be slowly traveled to. Summer, however, never implies that. She only claims casual. They're both at fault. Summer for being shallow and misleading to a guy who clearly has emotional instability and unrealistic expectations. Tom for being foolish and trying to fit Summer into his own keyhole ideal even though she clearly does not want the same as he does.

Anyway, enough of this madness.