In Progress

So the past month or so, I've really started to take on a pessimistic, cynical, faithless-in-people sort of view. Now, I believe that there is real hope in Jesus Christ but as for all of us sinners in this world, I find it more and more difficult to have faith. I say this because I am and have been in the process of writing a poem of sorts about how I feel, what I see around me, and the hollowness of this fractured world. Now, it's not done  and I don't even know when or even if it will ever be done, but I was just adding to it and I felt like talking about it here. Ever since I read T.S. Eliot's The Hollow Men for British Literature last semester, it's been a huge poem for me. Parts of it really nail some of my feelings about mankind and this, along with Eliot's The Wasteland, have been sort of inspiration for this poem. So much so that at the moment I'm titling it Wasteland and at the bottom of the word document I put a revised version of something from The Hollow Men. Now, all this is pretty silly and I know I can't write poetry with the skill of T.S. Eliot, but writing makes me feel like I'm doing something, anything, instead of just wasting away. Writing usually helps me express thoughts or emotions I normally have trouble expressing and some of the time it helps me figure out myself and other people as well. Anyway, I wanna get some sleep since I may be subbing in the nursery tomorrow at church and then there's a possible game of football to be played, so I ought to rest up.

The more things change, the more they stay the same.

This is a phrase that has been on my mind a lot lately, mainly due to a couple relationships I have with people that resemble past relationships. But this post is about a paragraph from a guy named Alvar Nunez Cabeza De Vaca, a Spanish explorer who spent time with multiple groups of Native Americans in the 1400/1500s. I have to read his account of an expedition for American Lit and came across this:

"It is common among them [a group of Indians he was with] all to leave their wives when there is disagreement, and directly reconnect with whomever they please. This is the course of men who are childless. Those who have children never abandon their wives."

Wow, this really reminds me of how marriage and divorce are in America right now, some 500 or or so years later. The more things change, the more they stay the same.

Someday

Language warning: The following post contains "cuss words," so read at your own risk. I explained my position on language in an earlier post so if you want to know more, go look at that.
I'm gonna actually say exactly what I'm thinking regardless of the consequences, like commenting on Facebook statuses and calling out people on their bullshit or telling teenage girls that they don't have a clue what love is so they should whining and move on with life.
I'm gonna have the confidence to walk up to a girl I like, stare her straight in the eyes, and ask her out.
I'm gonna practice what I preach instead of telling people how they should love others or do this or that when I don't love others and I never do this or that.
I'm gonna have the time and the will to read the dozens and dozens of books I've never gotten around to reading because I'm too busy or too preoccupied.
I'm gonna stop hanging on to "someday"'s because I'll have to learned to be content with the present.

Music / love with specifics

Language warning: The following post contains "cuss words," so read at your own risk. I explained my position on language in an earlier post so if you want to know more, go look at that.

"I love music." This is a statement that I hear almost daily, normally through Facebook in either silly statuses, the pages you *like* or in those notes that people make and then tag others in even though the majority of people tagged couldn't care less. This statement comes in all shapes and sizes, such as "I would die without music!" or "Music is my life!" With such dramatic (or maudlin perhaps?) statements, one would get the idea that some people genuinely love all music. But come on, those statements are huge generalizations. Now, I get that when people say they love music they mean they love certain music, like top 40 shit that repeats constantly and sings of sex, alcohol, partying, or a simplistic idea of love. This reminds me of how some girls are like "I just want to meet a nice guy and I'll be happy" which is total bullshit because what they want is a nice guy with specifics. Love with specifics. But i'll get to that later in the post. Back to the music. Me, I won't say I love music. There are certain artists whose music or lyrics I really do love. But as a whole, I simply like music. I like people expressing themselves through it. Some people, such as Ke$ha, seem to be expressing either their love of money or their love of whoring. It's this type of top 40 garbage that confounds me. I mean, I get why it's popular because people like catchy music that doesn't require much thought but really? People are dumb. I mean, come on, there's enough bullshit and emptiness in the world, why must there be so much more coming in through the airwaves?
What I really don't get is how people can say that the music they listen to really moves them when all they listen to is Lil Wayne, Rihanna, and Nickelback. How can shallow, mass-produced crap like that actually move anyone? Sure, someone might buy that Nickelback shit about how you should live life to the fullest and what not but come on, Chad Kroeger is a grade A douchebag, not a philosopher. You're gonna find inspiration from the guy who sings about booze, sex, and hotties with million dollar bodies? Well, that's your choice. I don't understand it and I probably never will, but people will be people.

On to love with specifics. There's one girl who I sort-of-not-really know who updates her Facebook status a lot about how she gets her heart broken and just wants a guy that'll love her and all this other crap that's meant for a diary but is instead put on Facebook, the passive-aggressive cry for attention (we all do it). It's like status after status is either her saying something sad or mad to a guy, a song lyric about a guy, or a sort of woe-is-me thing. I sort of feel bad for her but I also just want to write on every single status "You're 16, why the hell are you getting so worked up about high school drama and throwing yourself a pity party every fucking day?!?" (< paraphrase)
A lot of girls I know have said something along the lines of "I just want a guy who will love me for me." Bullshit. If girls genuinely meant that, there would be a lot less lonely people. However, girls mean they want love with specifics. They don't just want someone to love them, they want someone who will make them feel a certain way, someone who will make them laugh, someone who will turn them on, someone they can show off, or someone who will say everything right. I partially blame the whole "prince charming" bullshit that Disney and Hollywood have fixated in the minds of females all around. I think that the desire to be swept off your feet and your heart to be won is a natural desire for a girl (from what I can tell). However, for years and years we've been fed cinematic bullshit. For me, I've grown up watching movies and I really began watching them a lot more in high school because my social life was less than ideal and my love life had yet to see the light of day (not that that has really changed much). By watching lots of movies in high school and not really having much of the high school experience (no dances, no dates, no nothing) due to being homeschooled, I sort of began to think or at least hope in these cinematic presentations of love and life, like that the guy who isn't the best looking or the most athletic or charming but is there for the girl even when she falls finally ends up with his dream girl by the end of the movie. In recent years, I've reallllllly learned that that is total bullshit. Girls want a guy who will love them but they also want the guy who is handsome, the guy who is charming, the guy who flirts. This is just like how guys say they really just want a girl with a nice personality but really they also want a girl with a good body or one who flirts with them and makes them feel special. We're liars.
Now I blame this cynical perspective on being 18 and not knowing a whole lot of non high school girls, so maturity is definitely a factor. I dunno, I'm really not as cynical and frustrated as I'm appearing by writing all this. I just wish people would grow up. I sure as hell have a ton of growing up to do and so do  the majority of people in my life.

Favorite quotes from Se7en

Language warning: The following post contains "cuss words," so read at your own risk. I explained my position on language in an earlier post so if you want to know more, go look at that.




From the villain, John Doe: "What sick ridiculous puppets we are / and what gross little stage we dance on / What fun we have dancing and fucking / Not a care in the world / Not knowing that we are nothing / We are not what was intended."


Somerset: I just don't think I can continue to live in a place that embraces and nurtures apathy as if it was virtue. Mills: You're no different. You're no better. Somerset: I didn't say I was different or better. I'm not. Hell, I sympathize; I sympathize completely. Apathy is a solution. I mean, it's easier to lose yourself in drugs than it is to cope with life. It's easier to steal what you want than it is to earn it. It's easier to beat a child than it is to raise it. Hell, love costs: it takes effort and work. 


Mills: Wait, I thought all you did was kill innocent people. John Doe: Innocent? Is that supposed to be funny? An obese man... a disgusting man who could barely stand up; a man who if you saw him on the street, you'd point him out to your friends so that they could join you in mocking him; a man, who if you saw him while you were eating, you wouldn't be able to finish your meal. After him, I picked the lawyer and I know you both must have been secretly thanking me for that one. This is a man who dedicated his life to making money by lying with every breath that he could muster to keeping murderers and rapists on the streets! Mills: Murderers? John Doe: A woman... Mills: Murderers, John, like yourself? John Doe: [interrupts] A woman... so ugly on the inside she couldn't bear to go on living if she couldn't be beautiful on the outside. A drug dealer, a drug dealing pederast, actually! And let's not forget the disease-spreading whore! Only in a world this shitty could you even try to say these were innocent people and keep a straight face. But that's the point. We see a deadly sin on every street corner, in every home, and we tolerate it. We tolerate it because it's common, it's trivial. We tolerate it morning, noon, and night. Well, not anymore. I'm setting the example. What I've done is going to be puzzled over and studied and followed... forever. 


Somerset: Ernest Hemingway once wrote, "The world is a fine place and worth fighting for." I agree with the second part. 




Se7en is a great movie with great acting, plot, suspense, and characters and is also very thought-provoking.Not to mention watching it tonight has been a good distraction from some stupid situations that I'm somewhat close to.  

"He's not a hero, he's a silent guardian, a watchful protector, a dark knight."

Language warning: The following post contains "cuss words," so read at your own risk. I explained my position on language in an earlier post so if you want to know more, go look at that.
A couple things to say. First, the Dark Knight is a phenomenal film. There are some films that are flawless in execution, plot, script, and acting and this is one of them. It's a film I'd like to take apart piece-by-piece in order to understand the whole profundity of it all. It really makes me think about morality, good vs. evil, and humanity itself. There's a lot more I'd like to say about it but I've got a 9am class so I'll continue on.
Second, a verse I heard yesterday has finally caught up to me now. At bible study, we read through all of Philippians and while it is chock full of good stuff, one specific section stuck out to me and has come up in my mind in a current situation. The verses are Phil. 1: 23-26:
"I am torn between the two: I desire to depart and be with Christ, which is better by far; but it is more necessary for you that I remain in the body. Convinced of this, I know that I will remain, and I will continue with all of you for your progress and joy in the faith, so that through my being with you again your boasting in Christ Jesus will abound on account of me."
Sometimes it's sooooo easy for me to just be like "screw the world" and just want to do my own thing and forget everybody else. As I get older, I see how sick and twisted my own heart is and when I see the sinfulness of others, my sinful heart just wants to be free of it all. But Paul argues that I, and all other Christians, can not and should not abandon it all just to be with Christ because we are called to love one another and a lot of the times people need other people. The situation that brought this to mind is where my friend is having a really rough night emotionally and I convinced her to call me to talk about it and the main thing I said to her was how she's got a problem and how big a problem it is and blah blah blah. Yeah, really loving of me. I mean, I think what I said was true but oh what a foolish and unloving thing to do! When my friend needed someone to love her, someone to listen, someone to try and comfort and encourage her, all I did was point out the fucking specks in her eye while I've got a fucking forest in my own. Stupid Dan, way to go idiot. After I practically condemned her, she abruptly said she was just gonna go to bed and then said bye and hung up the phone. Shit. I'm a fucking idiot. This is evidence of how little I understand how to love people. I'm so quick to judge and to throw my opinion in because of my own pride and selfishness that I really have no idea how to love another person. I am a man that only a merciful God could love. 

Untitled

So on my way to pick up my dad from the airport tonight, I started thinking of a lyric which I began to sing and piece together. That eventually led to me writing more lines, which led to about 4 stanzas of a "song." It's not finished, I'm not really sure where I'm going with it, and I don't have a title (yet), but here it is anyway.

If kings and queens still ruled

Maybe peace would reach our land.

But still we walk; then sink

Beneath the hourglass’ sands.

I’ve been singing songs

Made up of thoughts you’ll never know.

Every day it’s more (of) the same,

We still reap all that we’ve sown.

I watch as you carry

These hearts where’er you go.

If love’s a raging war,

How do I soldier on alone?

I’m still singing songs

Made up of words she’ll never hear.

Someday I will stand tall,

And rise up against these fears. 

Stanza 1 is kind of a reflection on how time moves so fast and how sometimes we long for the past, the old days (represented by kings and queens) and how man is truly powerless in the face of God. 

Stanza 2 & 4 are kinda about me and how there are some personal things that I'll probably never share with the people I want to share them with and how my fears and everyone elses influence us greatly.

Stanza 3 is sort of but not really filler. It's kind about a girl I like who is liked by MANY other guys and the last bit is kind of cheesy but it's a variation of a line I wrote a long time ago and I've finally been able to include it in something. Yay!

So there it is, not much at all but I enjoyed writing it out as if I'm some cool lyricist, plus the Sigur Ros soundtrack is nice. 

(500) Days of Summer

Language warning. I think I'm gonna just make a copy/paste statement I can say to warn people. The following post contains "cuss words," so read at your own risk. I explained my position on language in an earlier post so if you want to know more, go look at that.

I really like this movie and there are some parts/elements that I love about it. I like it because it's a realistic movie about love. The lead guy isn't some sort of dashing, he-man, white knight. He's just a regular guy that is "perfectly adequate" and doesn't understand a lot of things in life, somethin a lot of people can relate to. And the girl isn't this total princess who says all the right things and never does anything wrong. She's just a regular guy who makes her share of mistakes. And the relationship isn't this perfect, fairyland crap where nothing bad ever happens.

Things I like about the film

I like how it shows the fine line of emotions that we all walk. When Tom is feeling this jubilant affection for Summer early in the film, he says, "I love her smile. I love her hair. I love her knees. I love how she licks her lips before she talks. I love her heart-shaped birthmark on her neck. I love it when she sleeps. "
Then later in the film when he's feeling cynical and frustrated, he says, "I hate her crooked teeth. I hate her 1960s haircut. I hate her knobby knees. I hate her cockroach-shaped splotch on her neck. I hate the way she smacks her lips before she talks. I hate the way she sounds when she laughs."


I like Tom's friends. His curly-haired friend McKenzie usually provides a good laugh, especially in the bar scene where he's drunk and calling Summer a dude. 
His other friend, Paul, delivers one of the best lines in the whole movie. In a little series of clips where the people talk about love and what they think it is (where McKenzie says the hilariously douchebag line of "Love? I don't know, as long as she's cute and she's willing, right?"), Paul talks about his wife, who he's been with since gradeschool and he says this: "Robin is better than the girl of my dreams. She's real. "


The movie also pokes a hole in the idealism that we sometimes can create for our relationships. After the breakup, Tom stays heartbroken and cynical because he keeps reminiscing over how perfect his relationship was and how it shouldn't have gone wrong. Then later in the film, his little sister Rachel (...) tells him that when he's looking back over the relationship to include everything, the good and the bad times, the times when they connected and when they didn't. 


The accuracy of the movie. I already mentioned I like how it paints relationships but I think it portrays the highs and lows well. In one scene, Tom is on cloud nine with people dancing around him and Hall & Oates' "You Make My Dreams Come True" plays while he dances with the people. I don't think this is supposed to be something that actually happens in the film but more of a figurative thing to show his momentary ecstasy. Then later in the film, he's feeling like crap, buying twinkies, OJ, and whiskey at the corner shop in his bathrobe. Now, I don't have a whole lot of life experience and I'm pretty much at zero when it comes to heartbreak and all that, but I have liked a couple girls in my day and have been on top of the world when they look my way and felt like crap when they ignore me. I feel like I'll continue to appreciate this movie and this part of it as i get older and experience life more. 


One thing that I think is somewhat accurate and also very frustrating is how Summer sends mixed messages. At first, she's like I don't believe in love and I don't want a relationship, then it's on to kissing in the copy room, holding hands, and finally sex. Then it's "I don't want a relationship." Then it's I like you and lets make out. Then after they're broken up, she talks to him and dances with him at a wedding and then invites him to a party, which unknown to him is her engagement party. Now I don't want to throw all of womenkind under the bus and say they alone send mixed messages 'cause guys do it too (in their own way), but in this portrayal, Summer is the mixed-messages-sending "villain" of the story. By the end of the film, most guys, myself included, kind of hate or strongly dislike Summer, which I think is partly the intention of the guys who wrote the film. I think Summer kind of represents when girls unintentionally and inconsiderately hurt other guys by showing affection and giving attention when they mean nothing by it. I think people are just inconsiderate. Guys can be douchebags and not even consider a girls feelings and girls can be inconsiderate and portray feelings that they don't really have. 


I also like the style of the film. The music choices are good, the contrasts are good, the switching around between days is good, and the background of cheery spring and dreary fall/winter for days is cool too 'cause it sets up the emotion for the scenes following. 


I also also like the scene where the movie contrasts Tom's expectations and the reality of the situation when he goes to Summer's party. This set to Regina Spektor's song Hero is just awesome. I love it because that's sort of how I and I think a lot of other people think. I mean, with having one set of hopes and expectations for how something will turn out and then when the situation comes upon us, it's almost always different. Sometimes it's better, sometimes, like in this movie, it's worse. 


Quotes:
"Darling, I don't know how to tell you this but...there's a Chinese family in our bathroom." hahaha


When Tom and Rachel are talking about whether or not Tom she ask Summer what he and her are, Rachel says this: "I'm saying you do want to ask her. It's obvious, you're just afraid you'll get an answer you don't want, which will shatter all the illusions of how great these past few months have been."


When Tom is meeting with his boss after Summer has left. "This is one of your recent cards: 'Roses are red, violets are blue, fuck you, whore.'" I'm not for the bitterness here but honestly, it's just a funny scene


When McKenzie skips out on a coworkers wedding and is talking to Tom on the phone: "That why I called her last night and told her I was sick, like a ninja."


This is my favorite quote of the movie and it takes place when Tom is in the dumps after Summer's engagement party and he's in a meeting with his coworkers and boss. I've quoted it before because it's just that good. "Lies, were liars think about it, why do people buy these things? It's not because they wanna say how they feel, people buy cards cause they can't say how they feel or they're afraid too. We provide the service that lets them off the hook. You know what? I say to hell with it. Lets level with America at least let them speak for themselves right I mean look, look. What is this, what does this say? "Congratulations on your new baby." How bout "congratulations on your new baby, guess that's it for hanging out, nice knowing ya." How bout this one? With all the pretty hearts on the front, I think I know where this ones going. Yup "Happy Valentines Day sweetheart, I love you." Isn't that sweet? Ain't love grand? This is exactly what I'm talking about. What does that even mean, love? Do you know? Do you? Anybody? If somebody gave me this card Mr. Vance, I'd eat it. It's these cards, and the movies and the pop songs, they're to blame for all the lies and the heartache, everything. We're responsible. I'M responsible. I think we do a bad thing here. People should be able to say how they feel, how they really feel, not ya know, some words that some stranger put in their mouth. Words like love, that don't mean anything. Sorry, I'm sorry, I um, I quit. There's enough bullshit in the world without my help "  
Now, I don't agree with a lot of the cynicism in his rant, especially the thing about love not meaning anything, but there are a lot of things I do agree with.


Lastly, the ending is good. It's a movie that touches on cynicism a good bit but the film ends on a hopeful note, which I really like. 


All-in-all, this is probably in my top 10 favorite movies. It's really cool, well-done, and relatable, at least to me. 

Matthias Replaces Judas

Lyrics to a song I was just listening to that is really encouraging to me right now. And it rings very, very true.


Matthias Replaces Judas by Showbread

It is so that my transgressions have born a withered fruit,
The sun has scorched the rising plants; Alas they have no root.

The bleached bones of animals bound by leather strips
Dance through the air with laughter as i wield this wicked whip.
As you did warn me, Carpenter, this world has weakened my heart,
So easily I disparage, self-seeking the work of my art,
And there you have come to me at the moment i bathe in my sorrow,
So in love with myself, sought after avoiding tomorrow.
Where do you find the love to offer he who betrays you,
And offer to wash my feet as i offer to disobey you?
Your beauty does bereave me, and how my words do fail,
So faithfully and dutifully i award you with betrayal.
The weak and the down trodden fall on broken legs,
As i walk past a smile i cast, fervor in my stead,
But my bones like plastic, do buckle backward now,
I lay in this field by Judas and anticipate the plow,
I can not be forgiven; my wages will be paid,
For those more lovely and admirable is least among the saved.
And where would I fit Jesus?
What place is left for me?
The price of atonement is more than i've found to offer up as my plea.
Jesus my heart is all i have to give to you, so weak and so unworthy,
This simply will not do, no alabaster jar, no diamond in the rough,
For your body that was broken, how can this be enough?
By me you were abandoned, by me you were betrayed,
Yet in your arms and in your heart forever i have stayed.

Your glory illuminates my life, and no darkness will descend,
For you have loved me forever, and your love will never end

Sleeplessness

I'm getting far too close to the notion of "sleepless nights" than I want to be. Yesterday I was up at 5:30am to take my dad to the airport and I had trouble getting back to sleep then and now it's 4:58am and I'm up because I can't get my mind off a particular situation in my life. I won't go into details but it's a situation where I'm really afraid that a friend of mine is going to go too far and be hurt and where I don't really understand much at all. That sounds up right on par with my life, fear and confusion have been parts of my life for as long as I can remember. Oh well, I'm not here for a pity party.

Cynicism

Language warning:



I think I'm becoming a cynic and I don't think that's a good thing. Maybe cynic isn't the right word? I dunno. All I know is that every day I continue to see how sinful I and the others around me are and I feel like life is really fucked up. I mean, I think that's what sin has done to the world since Adam. It fractured our relationship with God and poisoned our nature.
 For me, it's like selfishness and sin just bleed into EVERY single thing I do. I feel like I can't hang out with anybody or go anywhere without thinking something along the lines of "how can this benefit me?" or "what can I gain from this?" I'll use a brutally honest example. I've become good friends with a girl at church over the past couple months through talking often, being involved in a family crisis she had, and *trying* to help her with some relationship problems. Now this girl is very attractive and has a cool personality, so I've been trying to keep the friendship up and keep talking to her throughout the week through text, skype, or facebook. Now, I won't say that I have only selfish motives in this situation because I am attempting to be a good friend to her since she's got a LOT of shitty friends and very few good ones and I'm *trying* to be a godly influence in her life (which isn't going so well since I'm lacking in the godliness area), but I've also been trying to keep the friendship up because I'm getting attention from a hot girl, something I've had very little of in my lifetime. I don't say that last part to get all woe-is-me, but by being homeschooled all my life and now going to a small Christian "college," my social life has always been lacking and since I'm a bit of a loser, hot girls usually don't seem too interested. This isn't to say that this girl is romantically interested in me but she at least *seems* to like being friends and talking and all that. I don't think I genuinely like like this girl but to quote the band Copeland, "I'm a sucker for a kind word," to which I would only add on "from a pretty face." That, plus I've never really had many close female friends in my life and the few I've had I've either driven away, we've drifted apart, or they moved on. Anyway, this isn't the time for me whining about my social life.
I'm a hypocrite. As I was walking out of the church to my car, all I could think of was "Hypocrite. Hypocrite. You're so full of bullshit, Dan. Bullshit bullshit bullshit." I call people out and criticize them when they're bullshitting people, but then I go and do half the same crap that I call them out for doing. For example, I call the above girl out a lot because she seems to feel like when someone says something nice to her, she has to say something nice in response and usually she doesn't mean it. Like on Facebook when someone says they love her, she'll be like "Oh I love you too soooo much!" or something like that. Now I don't really do that (I've already ranted on the bullshit of Facebook so I won't go into that here) but I seek people's attention just as much (if not more than) she does. I try to be the funny guy and say things that people will laugh at. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. Either way, I'm clawing to be worshipped and adored just like everybody else.
There's a ton more I would like to say or at least could say about all this but I just made a snack and I want to listen to one of my all-time favorite albums (The Devil & God Are Raging Inside Me by Brand New) right now so I'll end here and live to fight another day.

We are the hollow men
We are the stuffed men
Leaning together
Headpiece filled with straw.

(p.s. at some point I wanna blog about T.S. Eliot 'cause a couple of his poems have been on my mind since I read them for Brit Lit last semester).

Heart of Darkness / Motivations

Heart of Darkness wasn't as moving as I had hoped it would be. It was interesting and there were some quotes I liked, but the Kurtz was hardly involved and there weren't as many profound thoughts as I've seen in Apocalypse Now, which I am re-watching (#3) right now.


I want to know people's motivation for doing things. For instance, a girl I know posted a FB status about her plan for evangelism tomorrow, then said "God prepare my heart. may i decrease so that you may increase in me." I really wanna know the motivation behind this and so many other things that people do. Is this girl sharing her prayer to God to encourage other people? To present herself in better light to others? Just saying it for the sake of saying it? I don't know but this is another instance of when I am really curious as to someone's motivation. Why do people post specific song lyrics to their statuses? I know I post them because I either just really like the lyric, am really impacted by it, or want it to communicate something to everyone or to someone specific (like, I dunno, a girl I may like? haha) Do other people have the same reasons? Motivations are an interesting idea which, alike many, I would like to understand better.

An excerpt from Joseph Conrad's "Heart of Darkness"

I'm trying to read this novella all today and if I get it done, I'll post some thoughts on it later. The following is an excerpt that especially interested me that I just read...


"You know I hate, detest, and can't bear a lie, not because I am straighter than the rest of us, but simply because it appals (appalls) me. There is a taint of death, a flavour of mortality in lies--which is exactly what I hate and detest in the world--what I want to forget."

If I were a monster, would you wince when you looked at me?

I think when it comes down to it, we're all wrestling with something every moment of every day. Be it feelings, thoughts, ideas, desires, or el chupacabra, we all wrestle with something daily. Me, I wrestle with all sorts of stuff every day. Sometimes it's feelings over people, sin in my life, decisions I need to make, things of which I'm unsure, or just abstract ideas that everyone but me seems to get. That's kind of part of the reason I blog. I mean, I use this place to vent about situations or relationships that I'm struggling with, but I also like to try and put down thoughts I'm working through.

Anyway, I'm about to write something very pessimistic with some profanity mixed in. It's not because I'm in a bad mood or anything, I actually had a good night. Here goes...

I think when it all comes down, there are very few people who truly love other people. I think most people have 2-3 people at most who would actually put that person before themselves. This seems kinda dark but I feel like most people don't really give a shit about other people. I mean there are friendships that are strong and stuff but even then, most relationships are leaning towards selfish than selfless.

I'm not really sure where this is coming from. I guess I'm just thinking about the friends in my life and how I doubt that many of them genuinely care about me. I have a few friends that I know I can depend on and really, that's more than enough. Honestly, I'm really blessed with my friendships and that's a blessing I often ignore because I wanna be a pouty little douchebag when I wanna be a pouty little douchebag.

I'm a shitty friend. I may do nice things for my friends on rare occasion but more often than not, it's for some self-seeking reason. Honestly, if I had a bunch of me's for friends, I'd be even more fucked up than I already am. Thankfully, God's blessed me with people who will talk to me, spend time with me, and even help me even though their best interest is far from what I'm seeking.

The idea of loving others is something I've been having a lot of trouble getting lately. I think THE best picture of loving others is what Jesus did on the cross. Knowing full well that many people would reject him, many would curse him, and many would run from him, Jesus still chose to take hold the full wrath of God in place of mankind. I just don't know how to do even the tiniest fraction of that. I have trouble doing even the most minuscule of kind things for someone else if they don't return the favor and honestly, it's near impossible when there's not even an acknowledgement of these saintly acts of mine. / I ought to be praised! / Woe is me, for I am a man of unclean lips.

I think my pessimism draws from the sinfulness I see in my own heart combined with the sinfulness of the world. When we're all so broken, it's hard to "believe in yourself" and others. I find that all I can do is put my trust in God who is faithful when I am not, who loves when my apathy is mixed with hate, and who judges justly when I judge with a forest in my eye.

It's late (as usual when I blog) and I'm subbing at MOPS tomorrow, so I gotta go to bed. I'll end with the chorus and bridge of the song from which this blog's title comes. It's called Monster and it's by The Almost:

If I were a monster,

Would you wince

When you looked at me?

If I were a freak, would you stare?

If I were a leper,

Would you say unclean?

If I was lost.

Would you help me get free?

When I am a monster,

You never wince,

When You look at me.

When I am a freak, You never stare.

When I am a leper,

You never say unclean,

And when I am lost,

You come and get me free.

You come and get me free.

"No, what you have are bullets, and the hope that when your guns are empty, I'm no longer standing, because if I am... you'll all be dead before you've reloaded."

I've got a lot of scattered thoughts at the moment and I doubt I'll be able to corral them all like the lil doggies of the prairie. I'd like to write down thoughts I have on friendships and how they relate to growing up / growing apart. I'd also like to write about the New Year, as well as the Old Year. I'd also like to write a little bit about the wasteland we live and breath in. I doubt I'll be able to get it all down since I've been up till 2 or 3 am like 3 out of the past 4 nights and I'm still battling stupid ear congestion. Oh well, I'll go grab a couple Dunkin Donuts donuts and begin my harrowing tale.

I'll begin with the New Year stuff. "So this is the New Year, and I don't feel any different." Unlike the Death Cab song, however, I do have some "resolutions," though I wouldn't necessarily title them that. On the lighter side, I'd like to break a gross habit I have that I don't care to mention. Needless to say, it's one that I've had since I was a kid and I'd like to be done with it. Also on the lighter side, I'd like to spend less time on my computer. Don't get me wrong, I love my Macbook Pro and the main reason I use it is to connect with other people, either through Facebook, Twitter, Skype, iChat, or Aim. However, in this digital age we live in, I'd like to take more time to appreciate God's creation instead of constantly focusing on man's. For a couple weeks in November I went to the local nature park multiple times a week, sometimes just sitting on a bench for 30 minutes, other times going hiking. Either way, I want to get outside more. I also would like to branch out more socially. This isn't to say that I want to start going to parties or w/e, but I want to try and learn to adapt to different social environments and be able to relate and interact with people I may not know or that are much different than I am. This kind of connects with one of my more serious "resolutions." This isn't so much of a "resolution" as it is a prayer and a hope. I want to learn how to truly love people. I don't necessarily mean this as me wanting to fall in love with a girl or something like that. I mean I want to learn how to actually put others needs before my own; to sacrifice my desires, preferences, or even hopes so that someone else may be raised up instead. I think that is what the Gospel is all about. Jesus came to seek and save the lost. He came out of love and he died and endured sin out of love. Me, I'm too selfish to give a homeless guy some change or tolerate a friend's venting solely because he doesn't do the same to me. I don't know what love is, at least not based on the horizontal. I mean, I see glimpses of it in everyday life, like a husband putting his wife or kids before himself, but I'm having a lot of trouble grasping the idea of steadfast, unchanging love in this mix&match world of ours. My disconnect is hard to put into words but I just pray that God teaches me what love really is and shows me how to love others more.
"So this is the Old Year, and I don't have anything clever to say." It's been an interesting year to say the least. Actually, it's been a pretty good year. I had my missteps, emotionally, spiritually, and socially. And even though I don't really have much of anything figured out, God has carried me a long way through this year. I won't go into specifics but I've seen God's control in relationships and situations throughout the year. I kindof wish I hadn't spent the night at a friend's and stayed up super late last night because I would've had more to say of this past year then than I do now. Oh well, I had fun last night and I got to hang out with friends, so 'tis all good.
I think I'll end this post with the things I'm especially thankful for that have come in the past year. I'll get to the friendships / growing up / growing apart thing and the wasteland thing some other time(s).
In no particular order, I'm thankful for:
Pandora radio stations, such as the Explosions in the Sky one I'm listening to now
This blog, where I can put all this stupid crap I think about down onto something substantial
Friends whose friendship and genuine care I don't really deserve
Cheap movies that make my days slightly more enjoyable when I find/buy them
Stupid moments alone and also with friends
Serious/deep moments alone and also with friends
Challenges that God used in my life to help me closer to understanding
Grace and forgiveness that come every morning, when I don't ever deserve either
And a TON of other things that are absent from my mind thanks to many scattered thoughts and even more yawns.

P.S. I'm tired and have things to do, so I won't be rereading this to check for errors or anything. FYI