, but...

Sleep feels like retreat right now, but I'm tired and sleepy. Moving on from Girl A because she' doesn't care about me feels like exactly what I need to do, but I'm lonely and live a boring life. I really dislike people in general, but I feel like I need them greatly. Relationships have always let me down, but I have a burning desire for one. I'd really like to blame my cynicism and bitterness solely on people, but I'm just as corrupt and evil as the ones who run me through are.

Sleep, I think I'll come hang out with you for the rest of the night.

Irony

Language warning: The following post contains "cuss words," so read at your own risk. I explained my position on language in an earlier post so if you want to know more, go look at that.

So in the past two weeks there have been two major instances of irony, both revolving around me and Girl A. First, at camp two weeks ago, she told me she was considering telling the guy she liked that she liked him so she could just be done with it all, which is pretty much what I was considering doing with her. I even began to laugh at the irony when she told me. All I could think of was "This is fucking hilarious."
THe second instance was tonight when she posted a Facebook status with these lyrics from Mumford & Sons' song White Blank Page,"you desired my attention but not my affection. Tell me now where was my fault in loving you with my whole heart."
Ignoring the fact that she messed up the lyrics ("attention but denied my affection"), this too is fucking hilarious. Not only are these the lyrics of my favorite Mumford & Sons song, but these are lyrics I've put up on my Twitter before (and maybe FB but I don't recall) with her specifically in mind. Shows how much she pays attention to whatever the hell I say.

Gosh, all this irony is annoying. It's not really funny like it was two weeks ago, now it's just irritating.

I'll be 19 in a month

Language warning: The following post contains "cuss words," so read at your own risk. I explained my position on language in an earlier post so if you want to know more, go look at that.

and I'm realizing that I am too fucking old to be dealing with high school dramatic shit. I've been slowly trying to wean myself off of Girl A in the past week or two but this nagging desire to talk to her and try to connect with her keeps coming up. It's really come about the past two nights since I've been tired from work and really desiring to have some fun and spend time with someone who isn't just one of the guys I hang out with all the time. Last night I texted her to ask if she was busy and might want to hang out when I get off work and she was skyping her friend and then tonight she's having a sleepover with that same friend and apparently some guy who knows a guy at our church friended her on fb and asked for her number, which she gave to him for whatever fucking reason, and he then called her babe which made her feel awkward. Gosh, I am so fucking tired of all this teenage immature bullshit. I told one of my friends about the situation last week and he pointed out how I'm an adult now and I shouldn't have to get involved in little kid drama about boys and girls and who likes who and all that shit. He was right.
Last night I read a chapter in a book we got from camp last week called Counterfeit Gods. In the chapter, the author talked about the idolatry of love and how we as people always search and hope for one thing and end up with something less. He used the Biblical story of Jacob, Rachel, and Leah and pointed out how Jacob was idolizing Rachel's physical beauty and worked 7 years for her but was then given Leah on his wedding night instead. The author said, "no matter what we put our hopes in, in the morning, it is always Leah [the unattractive, unwanted one], never Rachel [the beautiful, desired one]." I think I'm really learning all about that. Girl A has become Rachel in my mind and in my hopes, desires, and what-could-be's but every time we talk now, it's like she's only Leah to me. There's always another guy. There's always something else going on for her. I've had enough of all this trying to get something (well, someone) that isn't mine and never will be. I'm burnt out on relationships. Today I watched Up In The Air, a really good movie that explores the emptiness of a life without relationships. In it, the main guy, who is this closed off guy who travels around the country firing people for a living, has to talk to his sister's fiance who is having cold feet about getting married. In his little speech, he asks the fiance about the best moments in his life and if he was with people or alone. He then argues for the necessity of relationships, despite the cost and the baggage, and says "Life is better with company." I believe it. However, I've yet to find the right company for my life.

Selfishness

Language warning: The following post contains "cuss words," so read at your own risk. I explained my position on language in an earlier post so if you want to know more, go look at that.

This past week I was at my church's youth camp, which is called Creed Camp, and it was a draining week. I was a co-leader of a group of three 14-15 year old guys who were either new to the church, spiritually immature, unbelievers, or just spiritually murky. The small group times went fine overall and all three claimed to have gotten a lot out of the week. However, now is the time when we see whether what they believe does in fact equal how they live (something talked about the last night of camp).

Now, on to the topic and the reason for my language warning. I am so fucking selfish and self-centered. All this week I practically idolized this girl, who I think I'll begin calling Girl A on this blog, I've liked for months and since the topic of the week was idolatry, I began to see how I was making her an idol and in a much more root way, I was making my desire for that sort of Hollywood "beautiful girl that you love who loves you back will make everything better) bullshit into a really deep idol in my heart. Ironically, she was doing a similar thing by idolizing a guy she broke up with last year but has began to like again in the past couple months. We're close friends and we talked a couple times during the week (though not nearly as much as I desired we would) and we talked through her situation a couple times (painfully for me since she's in the dark about my feelings) and I did my best to help her since I care about her more than I've ever cared about another girl. On the last full day, after some scheduled time alone everyone had to read a section in a book about idolatry (Counterfeit Gods by Tim Keller), I really saw how my idolatry was rampant in my heart and began answering questions we had in the book. As soon as I finished the questions, she walked up to where I was, sat down next to me, and began telling me how the guy she liked was an idol she needed to remove in order to seek God and then she asked whether or not she should tell him to try and get the situation out in the light in order to move on. At this, I began to laugh both inside and out because that is exactly what I had been mulling over the past day or so. She asked why I was laughing and I told her I couldn't tell her and that I might tell her why another time and after some stubbornness on both our parts, she continued with her train of thought. Then I suggested she go talk to one of our mutual friends, an older college girl who is pretty spiritually mature and was actually the leader of Girl A's small group this week. She agreed that it was a good idea and went to talk to her. I'm not entirely sure what they talked about since that was the last full conversation I had with Girl A this week but I saw her later talking one-on-one with the guy and I was told later that she told him and Girl A said that telling him was "healing." After this I was in a relatively good mood because I knew she was making good strides and I was happy for that. However, during the talent show we had and the last night of worship, she sat next to him (not even with someone on her other side like other times in the week) the whole night. This really bothered me and further made my desire to tell her in order to move on myself. After worship, we had small group time and then I went walking around the campus listening to Explosions in the Sky and I decided that I would leave it up to God and that if the opportunity to talk to her one-on-one arose that night I would tell her and if not, I would just white-knuckle and grit my teeth and just try and move on by not texting her or hanging out with her. She yelled down to me from her room as I passed on my walk and then we talked in passing later as everyone was just hanging out outside but I left to go to Wendy's with some of the guys and when we got back she'd gone to her dorm, so I didn't tell her. Then, the next morning, yesterday morning, we all headed back home. I was in a really boring van the way up so I went to be in the van where my friend Daniel and Steven were, so I put my stuff there before other people did. Girl A ended up sitting in the van too, which I sort of expected to see. I got in the van and tried to sit in the back with Daniel, but he dissed me and said he wanted the back to himself, and Girl A, who was sitting by herself in front of him, said she wanted her row by herself so she wouldn't be crowded. So, after half-fake-half-real wrestling with Daniel, I went in sat in the row in front of Girl A, where, hilariously (sarcasm) enough, the guy was sitting. Then later this middle-schooler named Daniel sat with the other Daniel in the back and this rising-Sophmore we all know and like sat next to Girl A, who was fine with him sitting next to her.  I was pissed off for an hour or two until we got lunch but after lunch I started to cool off. Her and the guy talked a bit and she even went so far as to ask me to borrow my phone so they could type little messages back and forth for some reason. That pissed me off but later she started to try and take a nap and I tried multiple times to offer her my pillow and she rejected it each time but then decided to sleep on the floor of the van and asked if she could use my pillow as a sort of blanket/covering since she already had Daniel's pillow. I gave it to her but later Daniel took it from her and woke her up, so a few minutes later I quietly asked to borrow another guy's pillow which I then put back on top of her and let her sleep till we got back, all the while trying to get the idiot's in the back from waking her up. Yeah, I'm totally Mr. Fuckin' All-American right there (sarcasm^10). So, why do I say I'm so fucking selfish and self-centered? Because even though this girl I deeply care about is potentially moving on from this idolized guy and turning back to God, I badly want her to care about me and in a fucked up way to idolize me. I don't want her to bow down to me or anything like that, but I want some of her focus to turn to me for once. All this talk about tearing down idols and seeking God and what am I seeking instead? To selfishly take someone I really care about and be the object of their sin.

Also, lately I've been thinking over the idea of how romantic love and love for God and coexist, but that's for another blog post.

Another post

So, today was my grandma's funeral. To be honest, the funeral itself hit me a lot harder than I expected. I didn't really have any clear "happy" memories with my grandma because as far back as I remember, she was sick or was physically handicapped. I remember being woken up from her banging around with her walker in the middle of the night looking for the bathroom. I remember her watching Wheel of Fortune and Jeopardy every night (and I think I probably owe my good spelling to her because of that). I still don't drink out of some glasses we have and use some spoons we have because when I was little I would habitually avoid the ones she used because I thought her eating was kind of gross and I've always been a little germaphobic.

Today after the funeral, I think I finally realized why people drink after the loss of a loved one. Not to excuse it because they're just turning from one crippling vice to another, but if I, who was not close with my grandmother at all, got teary-eyed and choked up inside at her funeral, I can only imagine how much worse it would be to lose a wife or a husband or a child. It makes me wonder if all the ordeal to find a mate is worth it when one of you is going to have to outlive and bury the other one. Death is the outcome we all have to face. That sucks. I'm tired and it's been a long two days, so I'll stop here and maybe ponder another day.

Something that caught me off guard

So this morning around 8am my parents, my brother, and I left for Pennsylvania for my grandmother's funeral. Now, we've been at my aunt's for about 6 hours or so, including the 1-2 hours we were out to eat, and grief hasn't really been a big thing. My aunt Sue who lives somewhere else was here earlier and she was doing a lot of crying while writing something to say about my grandma but other than that, it's not been very emotional yet. However, two things struck me tonight regarding my grandma. First, and this is what caught me off guard, I was looking over a little notebook my grandma had where she had written favorite Bible verses and quotes and there was one verse in particular, Isaiah 30:15, which I saw first thing. This is a verse I've known for over a year after I read it and immediately put it into my phone's note section. It's just really crazy to think about how my grandma and I, two people who had never had much of a connection due to her failing health, both found strength and comfort in the same verse.
The second thing was just me looking at pictures of her and my grandfather, who died when my dad was a kid. I'd seen very few pictures of him and could hardly remember any I'd seen of them together. It was just a really striking thing to look at.
Tomorrow is the funeral and the burial and all that, and I'll see almost all of my extended family, so I guess that'll be good.

Death / And Grace Will Lead Me Home

So tonight, my grandma died. I'm not really heartbroken or even saddened. Now, that sounds awful and completely out of place but it's for two reasons. One, as long as I can remember my grandma has had mental and health problems that have only gotten worse with age and she's been in hospice care for at least a year now, so I've never really been close with her nor have I seen her at her fullest. The other reason I'm not heartbroken is because I've seen her mental and physical deterioration in person and I've seen how much anguish she's been in the past couple years, so now I know she is at peace and my Dad firmly believes she gave her life to Jesus, so I have faith that she's either at peace right now or, even better, in Heaven.

I don't think any one of us has a direct, beyond a shadow of a doubt knowledge of what happens after the heart stops beating and a person dies. Some people would argue that we just get buried and then are food for the maggots and worms. A very happy view that is. Others would argue that your soul gets sorta beamed up, a la Star Trek, to Heaven if you're a good person or if you're a bad person you get shot down to Hell. Personally, I do believe in a Heaven and a Hell both because the Bible makes an argument for it and because punishment for evil seems to be a natural instinct in both man and nature. Now, I'm not here to argue for the topic of the afterlife. I believe that there is a Heaven and a Hell and that those who have truly given their lives to Christ will find "the pearly gates" as the old, probably inaccurate cliche goes.

Thinking about my grandma's death and the funeral arrangements and schedule changes and stuff, I expect I'll be hearing a lot of "I'm sorry"'s and "I'll pray for you"'s in the next week or so. If the funeral is this weekend, I'll probably have to ask off at least one night of work if not more, which will lead to some coworkers' sympathy, a decent number of FB wall posts and text messages, and probably one or two phone calls. I'm not really sure how I'll respond to when people give their sympathies because this is the first time I've had a relatively close death in the family. My mom's mom died when I was just a toddler so I only have hair of memory of her and since then, the only deaths in my family have been far extended relatives. Death has never been very close to my family, so this is a new and somber experience for me.

Since I'm egotistic and self-involved, this is making me think about my own death. I'm not really afraid of death to be honest. I mean, I believe that Jesus is my Savior and has paid the penalty for my horrid sins and is interceding for me to God the Father, and along with this belief I believe that through Jesus' righteous act, I will undeservedly go to Heaven. And if somehow I'm wrong and there's nothing after this life, I don't fear nothingness either. However, just like I hate people pitying or patronizing me, I don't really like people's sympathy. When I die, I don't want people to have some big wake with a bunch of mourners and crying people wearing black. I mean, I don't want people to have a big party and be all "He's finally gone!" either, but I mean, death is death, people can't really control when I die so why be sorry for what you can't control. It doesn't actually matter what people do for me after I die, but I honestly don't really want people mourning over me. I'm not that special that a big hole will be missing from anyone's life. And for those who might miss me, hopefully I'll see them in Heaven. I hate when people make a big deal about me, so when I die, I don't want anything more than a quiet memorial service, hopefully reflecting on a life redeemed by God, and with a message of the hope in Jesus for the broken and lost that might attend. I'd also like Amazing Grace to be played on bagpipes, but that's optional. I mainly would like Amazing Grace to be played because on bagpipes, it's really beautiful and also, while it is very cliche, it's a song most people will recognize and should know the lyrics to and in thinking of me, I want people to know that I was who I was solely by the Grace of God and that that same Grace has taken me home. That's one of my favorite lines in the entire song, "And grace will lead me home."

All that, or just dump me in a cart with some corpses while singing "Bring out your dead!" as monks smack themselves in the heads with boards, a la Monty Python and the Holy Grail. 

The Form My Loneliness Takes

So lately I've been mulling over the idea of a song (line) called The Form My Loneliness Takes. I've been thinking about how I've been bitter towards girls I've liked in the past because they didn't like me back or they didn't meet my hopes/expectations. Lately I've been bitter about one girl who I'd gotten close to a couple months back but in the last month or two she's been distant and disinterested in our friendship with the exception of the occasional "Hi, how are you?" I hung out with her a little last night and without going into a bunch of details, she basically is bitter at someone else for doing exactly what I'm bitter at her for doing. I've been thinking about it and I think maybe I don't like her herself so much as I like the attention she, at one time, gave me. I think I developed feelings for the idea of someone pretty showing interest in me. She, and possibly all the other girls I've ever liked, was merely the embodiment of all my own failures and shortcomings. She was/is the form my loneliness takes. 

I just spent the past 20 minutes or so trying to write out a song to go with this and while it's a little rushed and not great, I do like parts of it.

The Form My Loneliness Takes

When I was so young, I saw my first pretty face

And as I grew older, I held out for the same.

I rose ‘bove the trees to search for a gaze

Upon a body, not caring for her name.

All I’ve said and all I’ve done

I’d said it was for you, that you were the one.

But selfishness is a train with no brakes

And you are just the form my loneliness takes.

I was a sailor, traversing great seas.

She was a siren, always calling out to me.

I blamed her for my drowning upon this vast lake,

But she is just the form my loneliness takes.

We all know the same songs, from our childhood

The songs of innocence and of seeking others’ good.

But we make less love than we do mistakes,

For lies are just the form my loneliness takes.

I’m simple, and I’m honest. But I’m rotten in the bone.

I don’t blame it on this here evil, just on being alone.

The blame may be shifted, but still I’ll burn at the stake,

For loneliness is but the form my sinful heart takes.