"You know the one thing you're fighting to hold Will be the one thing you've got to let go"

After a busy day and a somewhat stressful night of work, I'm thinking about what it means to truly follow Christ. I've been listening to Mute Math a lot in the past week since I bought their latest album, Odd Soul, and the title of this post is from a song off their last album (Armistice). The song is called Spotlight and it's about pressure and people and all that. I've heard the line plenty of times before but tonight it really got me thinking. There's a lot of things that I fight to hold, such as my pride, my self worth, my hopes for a future spouse, and my own desires, and I think that all those things are what I need to let go.

In Luke 9:23, Jesus says, "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me." I think it's normative (got that weird from Southeastern classes, thank ya very much) for us to read this verse and focus on the "take up his cross daily" part. We look at the trials and tribulations of the world and we think, "I've got to take up my cross today." And while that's completely true, I think we often forget the "deny himself" part of what our Savior said. I think the cost of following Christ requires us to "take up our cross daily" but it also requires us to deny ourselves, to let go. 


I've never been a big proponent of the "American dream." I'm not much for making lots of money, nor am I that interested in being famous or having a big house and/or car. However, there is one part of the nightmare I've held a desire for for quite some time and that is for a wife. Maybe not the blonde bombshell barbie-type that seems to be typecast but ever since I was a little kid dreaming of the Olsen twins, I've longed for the deep, beautiful, intimate sort of companionship that comes (or at least should come) in a godly marriage. This desire has been a plague upon me for quite a while. It's brought fear and doubt into every time I've liked a girl and it's been what really drowns me in sorrow when I'm either rejected, ignored, or both. Lately, I've felt like I've been close to or at least have seen a glimpse of what a godly woman and godly relationship could look like and this part of the nightmare has hung over my head. 


Now I say all this not to be over-dramatic (which I am being) but because this is what I was thinking about what I hear the line tonight. I went with the college group this weekend to go rock climbing and get away and while the weekend wasn't totally bad, it wasn't as good as I'd hoped it would be. It wore me out and the longest conversation I had with Girl C was over text and even then all that she was saying turned out to be her playing a joke on me. So yeah, that kind of put a huge cloud over the weekend.


But anyway, with all that on my mind and heart, I think I've got to let go of this unrealistic expectation/hope I have for her and I, as well to let go of my pride and self-worth, especially at work where I want to fire back at people who are stupid or critical. I can't just stop liking Girl C but I've got to let go of this idolatrous desire that not only pushes me toward despair and bitterness when she ignores or rejects me but also keeps me from truly loving her as Christ does. 


So all this to say, it's time to stop fighting to hold on to the things of which I must let go. My love for others and my heart before God depend on it.

Love

Love isn't a feeling. Love isn't an emotion. Love isn't a state of being. Love is a choice. Love is when you are faced with a situation that requires a decision to be made and you choose the outcome that is better for another person, regardless of whether or not it helps or hurts you. Loving someone is putting them before yourself in your choices and actions.

And maybe, just maybe, love is faithfully caring for someone even when there's no hope that your care will be returned. "I will love you even when you won't let me."

This is how we honor St. Valentine?

So exactly one year ago, I wrote the following in a blog post:

"Valentine's Day is a day that for some people is a reminder to demonstrate their love for a special someone, for others a day of obligation and expectation, and for others still a day of loneliness, frustration, or self-pity. I had planned to flesh this out further but because I started this in the afternoon and then didnt' get back to it until 11:45, with a crappy night at work and a host of other things in between, I'm gonna cut it short and maybe blog about these things some other time."

Hello, some other time.

I'm listening to a newly purchased album by a band called Drew Holcomb and the Neighbors, so this may or may not influence this post.

I agree with what I said last year. For some people, Valentine's Day is a day where people feel forced to express feelings they have or at least claim to have for someone else through deeds or material gifts. For those people, it's not affection that drives them, it's fear, obligation, or both.
For others, it's a day where almost everything around them is a reminder of what they both lack and desire.  It's not a day of celebrating the blessings of relationships, it's a day to mourn the death of past relationships and the current wasteland of present relationships.
And for others still (this is the minority group), it's simply a day to do something out of the ordinary for someone that is special to you.

It's easy for me to relate more to the S.A.D. (Single Awareness Day) celebrators or to say that if I did have a girlfriend, I'd fall into that third group, but I fear that if I ever do find someone, I'd soon take them for granted just as I do the myriad of blessings I have in my life. Idealism says I'll forever treasure that special someone; realism says I'm a selfish man who will hurt that someone again and again. Let it never be and if it does happen, may forgiveness be swift and unending as God's forgiveness is.

I've said this before but I think love, at least romantic love between a man and a woman, is near-perfectly described in Thrice's song The Weight. In the chorus, lead singer Dustin Kensrue sings, "Come what may, I won't abandon you or leave you behind, because love is a loyalty sworn, not a burning for a moment." I think it's quite obvious that for a while our culture has been full of momentary burnings and that's why divorce rates, the number of single parents, and completely broken homes are so high. I hope and pray that if God ever blesses me with a wife, I'll live with a loyalty sworn to that person, especially when things get hard.

So the first song I ever heard by Drew Holcomb and the Neighbors, which is the one that drew me in, is just now coming on. It's called Someday and it's pretty much a tune for the hopeful-yet-hopeless romantic. So, to my future spouse (assuming I ever have one), I'll sing the chorus: "Someday, I will hold you in my arms. Someday, you will know that I am the only one for you."


In conclusion, I'm not as down as I have been in previous Valentine's Days. Although I'm not quite sure if there's a future with Girl C, I'm trying hard to focus on being friends and getting to know and love her through that outlet, so that's probably part of why I'm not bitter. And maybe it's because I'm seeing how so many people have so much to bear, so me whining about not getting what I want seems completely and horribly selfish. Regardless, I'm focusing on the numerous blessings in my life and not griping about what I have no control over (which really is almost everything). Que sera, sera.

Machine Gun Preacher

So tonight for the first time in a while I hung out with my friend Luke, aka my movie buddy. We went to the $2 theater and watched a double feature of The Muppets and Machine Gun Preacher. The Muppets was just as delightful as the first time I saw it. Machine Gun Preacher, however, was a lot better than I expected. It's a movie based on the biography of a guy named Sam Childers, who was a druggie biker in the 90s who became a Christian and then became a missionary to northern Uganda and southern Sudan. It wasn't amazing or anything but it was very thought provoking. Although overdramatic at times, it really highlighted the issues of child slavery and warfare in third world countries. It really did a phenomenal job of contrasting the darkness and strife of the Sudan with the excess and shallowness of our own world. One scene in particular was challenging to me. About 3/5 of the way through the movie, Sam is asking a business-owner friend of his for $5,000 to buy supplies for the orphanage he maintains in Sudan. His friend tells him he'll see what he can do and then invites Sam and his family over for a barbecue the next week. At the bbq, which is located in the guy's mansion and is full of swanky looking people, tons of food, and lots of other excess. The guy gives Sam an envelope and tells him it's for the kids in Africa. Sam goes into another room, opens the envelope, and then the scene cuts to him pulling his wife and daughter out of the party to leave. When the wife asks why they're leaving, he tells her how the guy hosted this massive party in his mansion and gave him a check for $150, which Sam says is less than he probably spent on salsa for the party.

This movie isn't perfect and the Christianity presented in it is watered-down and hardly Christ-centered, but the contrast of first and third world living highlights the excess and materialism we all live with and endorse and also shows the horrors of child slavery and abduction. Not a perfect film by any means but certainly thought-provoking.

"I will carry you to Jesus"

I've been meaning to write up a blog post the past few days but I haven't gotten around to it until now, which seems like a good time.

The situation with Girl C (who I think I might've said I was going to stop blogging about..oh wel) is gotten a lot better this week. After being open and honest with her, we talked for a bit earlier in the week and I think we both see areas in our relationship where we need to improve in order to have a better friendship. Things are looking better. My head is still filled with doubt as to if my hopes will ever be fulfilled and I can't help but continue to wrestle with the goodness of God. I've been wrestling with that for the past few months and the Girl C situation has been at the forefront of that wrestle. I find myself often asking questions like "Why does God allow such awful things to happen to someone with such a caring heart?" and "How do I rest in faith and hope in my future when I can't earn any good thing in my life and I don't understand God's plan in my life?"

The title of this post is from a Steven Curtis Chapman song of the same name. The song is about how while we're not always able to relate or understand someone else's pain, we can continue to lift them up to Jesus, who can understand and can help. Without going into detail, someone I know and really care about is and has been dealing with a really messed up situation for a while and I have a strong desire to help and be there but I feel powerless and whatever I say, at least in my mind, just sounds like little Christian fortune cookie quotes.

So, instead of talking for the sake of talking, I'm just gonna post the lyrics to the whole song.

I will not pretend to feel the pain you’re going through
I know I cannot comprehend the hurt you’ve known
And I used to think it mattered if I understood
But now I just don’t know

Well, I’ll admit sometimes I still wish I knew what to say
And I keep looking for a way to fix it all
But we know we’re at the mercy of God’s higher ways
And our ways are so small

But I will carry you to Jesus
He is everything you need
I will carry you to Jesus on my knees

It’s such a privilege for me to give this gift to you
All I’d ever hope you’d give me in return
Is to know that you’ll be there to do the same for me
When the tables turn

And if you need to cry go on and I, I will cry along with you, yeah
I’ve given you what I have but still I know the best thing I can do
Is just pray for you

I’ll carry you
I’ll take you to Jesus on my knees

The expulsive power of a new affection

I'm writing this up while watching an episode of Breaking Bad, so this might be a little distracted.

Last semester, one of my professors recommend we read a sermon/article by Thomas Chalmers called The Expulsive Power of a New Affection. I noted it in my phone and a few months later, about a month ago, I found a pdf online and downloaded it. I read a couple of the pages and basically the guy talked about how you can't just stop caring about something, there has to be something you care about more that will replace it. In the sermon, he talks about Christ being the greatest affection to cast out all others. On top of that, however, it got me thinking about how it's been like that will all the girls I've liked. T went to M went to K went to R went to A went to C. Now, it wasn't always solely a new affection that helped me move on from someone. Sometimes I focused on the negative things or the differences, other times I just focused on something until the she of the time was out of sight and out of mind.
Now, I'm writing this post not because I've moved on from C (I still care about her a lot) but because even though I feel like I'm in a hopeless stand still with her, there's still life in my heart. Yesterday and today I went to the park to read some of the Iliad for my class and both times I saw and subsequently greeted a pretty teenage girl who was at the park with a mentally challenged guy who I assume is her brother. Now, she's probably just a high schooler and when I go back tomorrow to enjoy the weather and do more reading she probably won't be there, but my point remains. When I was walking back to my car and saw her and she saw me and she said "Hello again" and smiled, I felt light-hearted and hopeful for the first time in a while. The situation with Girl C has been pretty stagnant lately and we hardly talk, so I've felt kinda somber over all of it, so feeling what I felt by just exchanging hi's with a pretty girl at the park really made me feel like even though the short-sighted view I have feels like I'll never move on from this girl who doesn't feel anything for me back, there's still hope in the future, even if I don't see it or it's a ways off.