A brief interruption

One of the biggest things I fear in my life is dying too young. I don't want to imagine the heartache and sorrow I will feel if on my deathbed if I look at myself in a mirror and realize that Paula Dean, with all her sugar-filled, fat-drenched, death-bringing foods, has outlived me. Woe would be me if that were to happen.




The above is more of a joke than anything. I don't really fear death that much, though it would suck to be outlived by Paula "Lets-just-add-another-two-pounds-of-butter" Dean.

An excerpt from CS Lewis' The Great Divorce

This is part of a conversation between an apostate man (ghost) and an old friend who now resides in Heaven.

“Will you come with me to the mountains? It will hurt at first, until your feet are hardened. Reality is harsh to the feet of shadows. But will you come?”
    “Well, that is a plan. I am perfectly ready to consider it. Of course I should require some assurances... I should want a guarantee that you are taking me to a place where I shall find a wider sphere of usefulness—and scope for the talents that God has given me—and an atmosphere of free inquiry—in short, all that one means by civilisation and—er—the spiritual life.”
    “No,” said the other. “I can promise you none of these things. No sphere of usefulness: you are not needed there at all. No scope for your talents: only forgiveness for having perverted them. No atmosphere of inquiry, for I will bring you to the land not of questions but of answers, and you shall see the face of God.”

Tomorrow

is the first day I'll officially be listening to Christmas music (I'm listening to Sufjan Stevens' song Christmas In The Room right now). It's been a long time coming, I can hardly wait to bust out A Charlie Brown Christmas, Dustin Kensrue's This Good Night Is Still Everywhere, and Sufjan Stevens' Songs for Christmas, as well as plenty of other stuff. Color me excited...just please, color inside the lines.

A brutally honest post / The atrophication of myself / "Continuation"

So I'm gonna be brutally honest for a moment, regardless of who does or does not read this. I like a girl. The situation is complicated and there is honestly not a single realistic outcome for which I can hope. It really, really sucks. I'm in kind of a crappy mood right now. Honestly, I just kind of feel defeated at the moment. All my hopes for the near future are merely just ways that I am trying to grasp on to some happy moments before I have to face some heartache for which I have set myself up. Life is tough. I know God is good but honestly, I could use a reminder right about now. My sight is clouded with certain situations and I'm feeling kind of hopeless at the moment. This is just another one of my "emo" moments that will probably pass when I take a step back and see how blessed I am and how faithful God is, so I'll probably just go to bed and plan on being in brighter spirits tomorrow (God's mercies ARE new every morning).


Lastly, I want to post a song I wrote in September. It's kind of hard to explain what I mean by it but honestly, I wrote it like two months ago and somehow it is hitting me a lot harder now than it did then. The "chorus" of this song is my desire from two months ago and it is something that I'm hoping for a lot more now than I did then...


"Continuation"

You were a flower in a bouquet of thorns

A soothing whisper amongst all the worlds scorns.

I thought not to have you would be a great sin,

But now I’m free from you, oh once darling Lynn.

Though the wasted hours pile high as a mountain,

I have found continuation.

You wore a golden smile with brushed golden hair

You seemed a chain breaker of all my weary cares.

But oh once beloved Rebecca, you don’t know

How our parting left me ‘neath the undertow.

Though the wasted hours pile high as a mountain,

I have found continuation.

Oh, the plans I made for us, my dearest Anne

Have gone so awry for this mouse of a man.

Now we are no more, so what shall I do?

I must learn to walk on living life without you.

Though the wasted hours pile high as a mountain,

I have found continuation.

Thanksgiving

Sometimes I can be a bit of a grinch/grouch. Actually, most of the time I am a grinch/grouch, I just am usually able to control myself. For instance, a friend of mine just updated his Facebook and Twitter statuses with a comment about how Boise State or TCU, so-far-undefeated teams from weaker College Football divisions, possibly beating 1-loss SEC teams out of a trip to the national championship would be ridiculous. Did I say what I wanted to say? No. I wanted to say that it's even more ridiculous that he's complaining about college football on a day commemorated to be thankful for what we have. To my knowledge, Thanksgiving isn't a "Christian" holiday like Christmas or Easter, but it is a day when we really should stop for a bit and just be thankful for the things with which we have been blessed. Sure, everybody has stuff they can complain about. The truth is, we live in an imperfect world where instinctive desires will only be teased and corrupted. Would I like certain things in my life to be different? Yes. Would I like certain relationships to go in certain directions? Yes. Am I blessed so far beyond what I could ever possibly deserve? Yes. Complaining on Thanksgiving is foolish and a waste. This is ironic seeing as how I complain more than most people combined, but I admit that I am an idiot who is daily in need of redemption and sanctification.

The above part was written this afternoon. I am writing this next part at 9pm.

God works in very ununderstandable ways. Just when I've got plans for something, things change. Just when I fear some things will go one way, they go another. Just when I hope one thing will happen, something else does. However, God continues to be in control and more often then not I can visibly see how I am better off because of the situation. The saying "the best laid plans of mice & men often go awry" has been on my mind a LOT in the past month or so, due to unexpected illnesses, planned out days with people going completely different, and other various situations changing. The longer I live, the more I realize how little control I have over much of anything in life. However disheartening my lack of control can be at times, God never seems to let me get too dismayed before reminding me of Romans 8:28
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.
A lot of people take that verse out of context and use it for some sort of prosperity gospel, but the header of the section of the NIV version says "Present Suffering and Future Glory," so this seems more on par with Philippians 4 where Paul is talking about learning to be content in every situation. I was looking through my Bible this morning for some sort of passage that had to do with thanksgiving and I came across that passage. More people take Phil. 4:13 out of context than any other passage. You can apply it to your Tim Tebow inspirational speeches all you want but Paul was talking about being content in the midst of the good and the bad situations in life ("I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty"). It should be easy for me to be content because I am immensely blessed in so many aspects of my life, yet my selfish heart still finds things to be envy after, things I think I "need" but in reality only "want." The idea of want and need is another topic for another day.

Long story short, God has called us to be content in every situation of life and that is something I need to continue to strive for throughout each and every day. 

A thanksgiving post...

will probably come later today, if I have time. Be excited, my narcissistic rants about holidays are usually entertaining.

Fascinating

There are so many fascinating dichotomies in life; so many in humanity itself. Our capacity for love and forgiveness stand in contrast with our deep hatred and apathy. I won't go into detail but I've definitely been seeing these dichotomies (and many others) in my life and in my own heart.

As Cities Burn: "My God, what a world you love. What a world you love. Men bury their sons, and without thought
just walk away."

Me: "We work not with clean hands, we hope not with pure hearts. We are the decayed seeking redemption."

A casual narcissist.

That's me, a casual narcissist. I'm a pretty self-interested, self-centered, selfish guy. I really came face to face with this over the weekend as I spent time hanging out with friends and other people from Open Door's youth group. The goal of the weekend was to be evangelistic in the community. Well, I spent pretty much the entire weekend focused on my problems and my desires instead of trying to share the Love I claim to believe in. I mean, it didn't help that this past week has been draining in almost every way and I was extremely tired throughout the weekend, but it was my idolatrous heart that was at the center of the problem, not my circumstances. The past couple weeks have been defined by school, fatigue, emotional uncertainty, and a bunch of other crap I don't feel like talking about. In all this, God has remained faithful, even though I place idol after idol before me and call them all "god."

I'll close with some As Cities Burn lyrics...

Father, hide our hearts in you
lest we steal them back
and lay them at the feet of men.
I know now that glory has not a place
near my hands or any man

Hallelujah

Song by Chris Rice that's really a fitting soundtrack right now with all that's been going on lately. 




A purple sky to close the day
I wade the surf where dolphins play
The taste of salt, the dance of waves
And my soul wells up with hallelujahs


A lightning flash, my pounding heart
A breaching whale, a shooting star
Give testimony that you are
And my soul wells up with hallelujahs


Oh praise Him all His mighty works
There is no language where you can't be heard
Your song goes out to all the Earth
Hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah!


O cratered moon and sparrow's wings
O thunder's boom and Saturn's rings
Unveil our Father as you sing
And my soul wells up with hallelujahs


Oh praise Him all His mighty works
There is no language where you can't be heard
Your song goes out to all the Earth
Hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah!


The pulse of life within my wrist
A fallen snow, a rising mist
There is no higher praise than this
And my soul wells up
O my soul wells up
Yes my soul wells up with hallelujahs


Oh praise Him all His mighty works
There is no language where you can't be heard
Your song goes out to all the Earth
Hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah!
 
O hallelujah, hallelujah, hallelujah!

Whirlwind

The past 48 hours or so have been a whirlwind. My friend Alyssa's sister Jessica was hospitalized with a brain tumor yesterday and after a lengthy surgery this afternoon through to this evening, the doctors got rid of the tumor and she's okay! God is good, very good. When Alyssa called me yesterday and told me what was going on, I had no idea how much this would affect me. I know that sounds horribly self-centered, but before now I'd never been so close to such a heavy situation. Alyssa and I drove to the hospital and I saw Jessie and spent time with the whole family and saw how much it was affecting them all and God really pulled on my heart. I had trouble sleeping 'cause I couldn't stop thinking and hoping about the situation and classes this morning just seemed to have no significance at all. Tonight at Bible study I was barely able to think of anything but the surgery and I kept hoping my phone would vibrate and I'd be getting news that Jessie was okay. After we finished praying Zach called me and told me she had gotten out of surgery and that they'd removed the tumor and she was in recovery. God is so very good. I've never been so invested in a situation like this nor have I seen the power of prayer and the goodness of God so evident in the lives of so many people around me.

"Shout for joy, you heavens;
   rejoice, you earth;
   burst into song, you mountains!
For the LORD comforts his people
   and will have compassion on his afflicted ones."

I am blessed

After talking with some of my friends tonight, I see how blessed I am to have the parents I have. There are so many broken families out there torn apart by abuse, unfaithfulness, and many other kinds of sin, yet I've got parents who have raised me well, have been faithful to each other and to me and my brother, and have loved me since birth. They've haven't always been what I wanted but they've been what I needed. God has blessed me, may I never forget the magnitude of it all.

If anyone is actually reading this, please be thankful if you are blessed with good parents and if you aren't, the only lasting, faithful love that can heal your wounds is the love of Christ. I can't stress this enough. Only until you understand how much of the creator of the universe loves you despite all your faults and problems, you'll forever be seeking to fill the voids of life through people, possessions, and experiences. It is all meaningless in the light of the eternal God.

There is a design, an alignment, a cry

I'll start off with some lyrics from Mumford & Sons

"Love it will not betray you
Dismay or enslave you, it will set you free
Be more like the man you were made to be
There is a design, an alignment, a cry
Of my heart to see,
The beauty of love as it was made to be"


I post this because there's some drama going on around me with some friends and I've got some minor stuff on my mind as well. Lately I've seen some friends talk about "love" and "like" and since I was listening to this song yesterday in between times of drama, I figure it's appropriate. I think that a lot of the time people, myself definitely included, confuse genuine love with selfish desires for how they (we) can be pleased and get what they (we) want. True love is freedom, it is a difficult road to travel but it doesn't entangle or defeat; it builds up and gives strength. As Christians, we are called to love one another as Christ loves us, but does Christ look after his own benefit and focus on what he can gain from situations? I really hope not.
The main point I'm trying to make is that love is a good thing but can still be corrupted, misconstrued, and violated. We are all selfish, inconsiderate, corrupted(/ing) sinners in need of daily grace and love that does not change.

I realize that this is a little cliché of me to post this when talking about love because every Christian seems to go here when they talk about love, but I think this remains a steadfast view on what love is, despite all the times this is read at ceremonies of marriages that end in divorce months after the honeymoon.
"If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing.
 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. ... And now these three remain: faith, hope, and love. But the greatest of these is love."

And now, I'm off to attempt to take my mind off of all this and watch a great film, Braveheart. 

Dos cosas (and neither one involves Dos Equis)

First, I'll get the crappy stuff out of the way. Driving home from watching the end of the Falcons-Ravens game at the Milionis, I thought of a couple lines. Don't ask me why or how or what, I dunno.

My mother was memorialized in the mighty memoir of a mere man.
"It's not in flesh or bone but in our spirit that we have the strength to stand."

Edit: I just put this together. I kinda sorta don't think it's total crap...

We built our mem'ries out of papier mâché,
Then storms came and washed our mem'ries away. 


Anyway, while driving various places tonight, I had the Decemberists playing and I listened to one of my favorite songs by them, The Engine Driver. Below are my favorite lyrics from the song...


"And if you don't love me let me go
And if you don't love me let me go

And I am a writer, writer of fictions
I am the heart that you call home
And I've written pages upon pages
Trying to rid you from my bones
My bones
My bones"

27

"I hold it true, whate'er befall:
  I feel it, when I sorrow most;
  'Tis better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all."

From In Memoriam 27 by Alfred, Lord Tennyson

This is dope / I think of you

I'm sitting here in the third floor of Patterson at my usual between-classes-spot and I'm procrastinating finishing my Brit Lit reading of Alfred, Lord Tennyson. Thanks to Relevant Mag's Twitter feed, I found this fun little remix. It is pretty dope indeed. 
I also just wrote up a quick little poem. As usual it ranges from whatever to thumbs down, but writing it somewhat helped me express some things I've got in my heart and mind right now.

i think of you

When the fruit is so sweet but the meal fades quickly,

i think of you.

When the stars gleam in the sky then hide behind the clouds,

i think of you.

When bravery hangs futile off the coat of my fallen armor,

i think of you.

When the warm summer breeze dries my cascading tears,

i think of you.

When all that binds my burdened heart is a thread of hope,

i think of you.

When the treasure i’ve forever sought shimmers before my eyes,

i think of you.

When the sand of the shore falls vainly between my fingers,

i think of you.

When I look at my soul’s mirror and all i see is my own cowardice,

i think of you.

When the leaves fall from the trees with a promise of rebirth,

i think of You.

There but for the Grace of God...

This song by Flogging Molly is really fitting my mood right now, both in how it's performed/sung and what it says. 

Lookin' down through a tide of no return
Is a field where the crops no longer grow
Parched is the land, strangled an' be damned
There for the Grace of God go I

Down beside where the riverbed sleeps
Is a man not knowin' what he should feel
Mocked by the wave that beats the waters edge
There for the Grace of God
There for the Grace of God
There for the Grace of God go I

If I ever hurt another like thee again
I would drown myself beneath your name
Lost was the child, we all once did hide
There for the Grace of God
There for the Grace of God
There for the Grace of God go I

Disillusionment

My Mac dictionary defines "Disillusionment" as "a feeling of disappointment resulting from the discovery that something is not as good as one believed it to be." This is the second weekend in a row when, at the end of the day, I'm disillusioned. I won't get into specifics but twice in the past week I've had hopes/idealistic plans for something to go in a certain direction and for the second time in a week, my idealistic desires faded with the warm weather. I think sometimes I, and maybe others too, get a certain idea/hope for how something will go and when it doesn't, it's draining. When it goes completely different, it's almost numbing. Oh well, I still am blessed beyond understanding.

I'll end with a song that's helping me right now...

I'm on the run
I'm on the ropes this time
Where is my song?
I've lost the song of my soul tonight

Sing it out
Sing it out
Take what is left of me
Make it a melody

Sing it out
Sing out loud
I can't find the words to sing
You'd be my remedy

My song
My song
I'll sing with what's left of me

Where is the sun?
Feel like a ghost this time
Where have you gone?
I need your breath in my lungs tonight

Sing it out
Sing it out
Take what is left of me
Make it a melody

Sing it out
Sing out loud
I can't find the words to sing
You'd be my remedy

My song
My song
I'll sing with what's left of me

I'm holding on
I'm holding on to you
My world is wrong
My world is a lie that's come true

And I fall in love
With the ones that run me through
When all along all I need is you

Sing it out
Sing it out
Take what is left of me
Make it a melody

Sing it out
Sing out loud
I can't find the words to sing
You'd be my remedy

My song
My song
My song
I'll sing with what's left of me

The old man is snoring

It's raining today, which kind of cancels out the beauty of fall weather since I don't really have a desire to be outside in the pouring rain. It's also not helping me do my Brit Lit reading of Robert Browning, 'cause I don't want to read poetry right now, i want to sleep. However, in my procrastination, I wrote up a little something. As usual, it's not any good but I'm bored and I feel like posting something more substantial to me than quotes from a movie. So here it is:


Last Shining Day

Rain, rain, go away, go water someone else’s pain

And let it grow to 6 feet tall, then drown it out and let it fall.

You water the weeds, you water the grass; you water us down and then tear through our mast.

You’ve simply gone too far now; we can’t fight the current that’s breaking the bow.

It’s in you, rain, that I see my own sins, are you here to wash ‘way our needles and pins?

Or can we expect the sun to shine through, and maybe give light to grasp the deeds that you do?

Maybe through pain we see as we should, and begin to comprehend Heav’n's highest Good.

So let the rain fall, wash away if it may, for the Sun has not shined its last shining day.

I said throw down, boy!

Kurt Russel's portrayal of Wyatt Earp in Tombstone is so, pardon my language, badass. Val Kilmer is awesome as well. This is one of the most badass movies made in the past 30 years. This is going to be a continuous blog post throughout the night as I list favorite quotes as they are said:

"You must be Doc Holliday." "That's the rumor."

"You die first, get it? Your friends may get me in a rush but not before I make your head into a canoe, understand me?"

"Yes, it's true, you are a good woman....but then again, you may be the antichrist."

"You're a daisy if ya do."

"You called down the thunder, well now you got it."

"You tell 'em I'm comin', and hell's comin' with me, you hear? Hell's comin' with me!"

"Make no mistake. It's not revenge he's after, it's a reckoning."

"I spent my whole life not knowing what I want, just chasin' my own tail. Now for the first time in my whole life I know what I want...and who. That's the damnable misery of it."

"What does he [Johnny Ringo] need?" "Revenge." "For what?" "Bein' born."

"I'm your huckleberry."

"My hypocrisy goes only so far."

"Well hello, Wyatt. Father Feeney and I were just investigating the mysteries of the church of Rome."

"You're no hypocrite, Doc, you just like to sound like one."

*Doc dying with his boots off* "I'll be damned...this is funny."