Just okay / "Not lovers, but feigners"

People respond to extremes. People respond when you're really happy, like when you post a Facebook status all about how something awesome happened and you're so excited and you use exclamation points and a smiley face. People respond when you're really struggling or in a dark mood and you're not afraid to show it by posting sad song lyrics or something as your status. However, I feel like I get lost in the in-between of being "just okay." People don't really pay much attention to mediocre, to the people caught in the middle. People take notice if you're either jumping up and down on land or you're drowning in the water, but very little attention is given to the ones who are simply treading water. That's how I feel a lot. I'm really blessed in most areas of my life, which keeps me afloat when i am plagued by sin, insecurity, pride, lust, hatred, and fear. I don't have everything together like some people nor do I live in the remnants of shambles either. I am lost in the in-between.

Part 2 of this will be quick 'cause I have to be up in 6 or so hours. Zoinks. Anyway, it's a weird feeling to be replaced, especially when you've let it happen willingly. As I've tried to move on and distance myself from Girl A, she's started to become friends with this guy from another church who, like me, is cynical, negative, and somewhat funny. From what I've gathered, they've been texting and fb-ing a bit lately, much like her and I used to do. In one sense, I'm okay with being replaced. By her having a new friend to make her laugh and feel better about herself, she won't need me even when I come crawling back because I'm lonely and want some sort of connection. In another sense though, it kinda sucks. I used to be the one who kept her optimism grounded and also made her laugh. As times change, so do feelings and relationships alike. The quoted line in the title is part of a good line from an As Cities Burn song. The full line, which I just put as my FB status, goes like this:
"Automated exchanges make us not lovers,
But feigners, we are only strangers."

Entitlement

I'm tired of living with a selfish entitlement problem in my heart and mind. A lot of the time when I do something that I know is right to love someone else or to honor God, I feel after like "I do all this but why don't I have what I want?" For much of the time, the "what I want" part is more like "I do this but I don't have any romantic other" as if my good works entitle me to having a girlfriend or something. Part of the problem (other than my evil heart) is the whole idea of being a "good guy." Girls always talk about how they want a good guy, not some loser like the ones they always date, so naturally all the single guys like me puff ourselves up thinking we're somehow good and therefore get bitter because we don't get the girls we want. I'm about to go to work so i'll finish this blog later.

This is later. Work was a'ight. I hung out with Girl A after because honestly, I just wanted to genuinely enjoy something tonight and even though our relationship is mostly a one-way street, I just enjoy hanging out with her from time to time.

Earlier on my way to work I was listening to some old Steven Curtis Chapman and I listened to the songs "More To This Life" and "For The Sake of the Call." Both hit me more than I expected. The former shook my thinking about life a little bit because it's very easy for me to just put my head down and go through the daily routine of work and school and all that and only hope for something beautiful and worthwhile to happen in my life but that song got me remembering how the world is broken but God pours out grace (undeserved favor) on us all the time and because he first loved us and first gave us what we didn't deserve, it's our, heck it's my job to love others and give them favor even if they in no way deserve it. The latter got me in a more present way. I was asked to drive about 30-40 minutes tomorrow morning to help shuttle some students from Louisburg College to Open Door for the service tomorrow and since the time I was asked the other day, I've been entirely against it. Getting up way earlier than normal to drive an hour up and back to pick up some people I don't know and probably have nothing in common with and then sit in the car for a 30 minute car ride of awkward turtle-ness? Sure, what's not to envy. But in that song, the line "We will abandon it all for the sake of the call" got me thinking that if I truly believe that Jesus is the son of God, that he came to earth, lived a sinless life, died a sinners death, rose again three days later, and atoned for the sins of a corrupt world, then I have to be willing to abandon everything, even something so miniscule as my comfort, my sleep, and my time/money/effort. Do I want to do this tomorrow morning? No. But I will because that's what Christ has called me to. Doing this tomorrow will be me trying to give grace to some people, just as Jesus gave it to me. And honestly, there won't be any roses for me. Girl A isn't gonna find out and be like "Oh Dan, you are such a good guy! I now have deep, honest feelings of affection for you and I want to get to know you on a deeper, more real level!" nor is this cute girl, who I guess I'll call Girl C (I have a reason for skipping from B to C), who I've been trying to get to know lately because she's cute and she's highly spoken of and seems to have a godly heart, (nor will she) suddenly realize I'm a good guy (which if I'm honest, I'm not) and develop an interest in me. God never promised that by honoring him through our lives that he would give us significant others or (for some people) nice cars or houses or whatever the American dream promises. God promised that he would be faithful, he would be merciful, he would love us even in the midst of our filth and treachery, and that he would never leave us. Sometimes it's hard to hold on to that promise when I so greatly desire companionship, but I have to preach to myself daily that God is in control, that he loves me as no other could or would, and that I am where he wants me to be and who he wants me to be. No more, no less. I've gotta be up at like 7:50 tomorrow, which isn't so bad but I'm a total wuss so it's early for me, so I'll end here.

"Some boys don't know how to love"

I don't do well in crowds. It's not that I'm claustrophobic or that I'm uncomfortable around large groups of people, it's just that I don't feel like I fit in with most people. I'm not entirely anti-social but since I struggle with caring about other people, I don't usually make much of an effort to step out of my comfort zone to talk to people I don't know. Tonight, I went to a "church fair" at Southeastern where all the local churches set up booths to meet new students and all I did the whole time I was there was stand near the Open Door booth and do nothing. I didn't really talk to anyone new, I didn't talk to any of the other Open Door people since I don't know many of them very well, and I just left without saying goodbye to anyone because I hadn't really said hello to anyone.

This is the reason that two of my closest friends leaving really sucks. It takes me a while to warm up to people and even longer to be open and close with them. I'd known both of them for 7 years and only in the past couple had I really gotten close to the one who I'm good friends with. And romantically, it took a number of months and her seeming to care and be interested for me to be open and honest with Girl A. I'm just not good with people

"I might never catch a mouse and present it in my mouth to make you feel you're with someone who deserves to be with you"

Insecurity is something I've struggled with for a long time and will likely struggle with for a while longer. I don't feel insecure about the base level things in life like food, shelter, clothing, etc. I guess that's 'cause I still live with my parents and haven't really had to make it out on my own. However, it's also because I do believe what Jesus said in Matthew 6 about not worrying about food or clothes because God will take care of his children. No, I'm more insecure about the non-necessity things of life, such as friendship, status, and biggest of all, romantic love. C.S. Lewis once wrote, "Friends are not necessary to live. They do, however, make life worth living." I most certainly agree with this, which is why I'm hitting a big hump of insecurity, fear, doubt, and loneliness right about now. Two of my best friends who I've known the past 7 years are both going off to different colleges, one to a college about an hour or so away and another to a college about 5+ hours away. Now one of these friends is probably the highest quality friend I've ever had. He's one of the more selfless and accepting people I know and he's always been a true friend to me as long as I've known him. And my other friend is more like a brother in how we bicker and argue over lots of things but in the end, we usually can fall back on plenty of shared interests or ideals. 
Now, I have other friends, so it's not like I'm completely abandoned, but I don't have many close friends and with those two leaving, there are even fewer people who actually know me well. With this, plus the added doubt of becoming interested in someone new and not at all knowing what to do or how to handle things, my insecurities are off the leash again. To be honest, I just don't really see much worth in myself other than the worth given to me by Jesus, so how can I expect others to see worth in me?


Anyway, I've got work in a bit so I should get ready. The title of this post is lyrics from a song I love by Frightened Rabbit called Poke.

A profane, yet thought-provoking quote

from one Tony Montana, aka Scarface.
Warning: This quote has a couple cuss words, so don't read any further if cuss words offend you. I explained my stance on cuss words in a blog post awhile back, so if you wanna know why I'm okay with posting this, then look here



As Tony Montana's life begins to crumble and he gets drunk in a restaurant, he says all this in an outburst,

"What you lookin' at? You all a bunch of fuckin' assholes. You know why? You don't have the guts to be what you wanna be? You need people like me. You need people like me so you can point your fuckin' fingers and say, "That's the bad guy." So... what that make you? Good? You're not good. You just know how to hide, how to lie. Me, I don't have that problem. Me, I always tell the truth. Even when I lie. So say good night to the bad guy! Come on. The last time you gonna see a bad guy like this again, let me tell you. Come on. Make way for the bad guy. There's a bad guy comin' through! Better get outta his way!"

The next scene he kills his big wig drug connection's personal hit man because the guy wanted to assassinate a guy who was with his wife and kids, which thus leads to Scarface's demise. Pretty great movie

I need a title so this is it

I'm sitting on my couch watching Scarface and now writing this blog. Tony Montana (aka Scarface) just said an awesome quote. "All I have in this world are my balls and my word and I don't break 'em for no one." Haha it's both funny and epic.

Anyway....the past few days I've been looking over old journal entries from about three years ago when I started journaling. It's pretty crazy to be able to look back at my 15/16 year old self. Back then I was pretty messed up over liking a girl based almost solely on physical attraction and it took me a very long time to move past her. She actually played a part in my road to salvation because some was a part of the many things that drove me into anger, pain, and loneliness, where God then raised me up and showed me love and hope in a world that greatly lacks both. This is also where my cynicism began but also where my hope in Christ began. I think what I'm going to do is read an entry each night as the semester progresses just so I can remember where I've been and be able to contrast it with where I am at now. This is looking like it could be a really useful thing.

"My dad always said there's only one time a man should be in a hurry: When the cops are coming up the stairs"

I'm laying on my couch watching Guys & Dolls (quote from Marlon Brando's character, Sky Masterson) and doing some thinkin'. It's a classic musical and I haven't seen it in a while, so I'm certainly enjoying myself.

Tonight I've been doing some thinking about relationships and I'm thinking that maybe God is showing me that I'm not supposed to have a simple relationship. What I mean is this. I'm getting over Girl A but for a while I've thought us having a relationship would be so great because it fit so simply. We live within miles of each other, work in the shopping center area, and go to the same church. A lot of things seem like they would easily fall into place if we were to date or whatever. Another example would be that I work with a girl who I find to be very attractive and despite some characters flaws, she seems to have a pretty good personality. This too seems like it would be simple for me. We work together, she's homeschooled as I was, she goes to a local church, and from what I can tell she likes music more than an average teenage girl. Both these situations would work out simply for me if there was anything between us (but there's not since they both have their own things going on). I've been thinking about this all a lot lately and now I'm thinking that maybe because relationships are hard work, I'll have to work to find someone and maybe it won't be a relationship that works like a piece of a puzzle easily falling into place.

Oh well, that's about all I've got to say for the moment.

Dang

It's been over a month since I last posted here. Maybe all my deep thoughts/ponderings only come about during the school semester. Or maybe I've just been busy and tired and not really had a lot of time to do deep thinking. It's probably a mix of both.

Not much is going on in my life right now. I'm mulling over possible directions to take in my life, thought earlier I was thinking about how everybody seems to expect everyone else to have a direction in life. People always ask me what I want to do or what I want to major in or where I want to go and for a while it's been "I don't know." I guess most people are just making conversation because they want to fill the empty void we aptly call silence but I still wonder why everyone always just expects progress and direction. My favorite band, Thrice, has a lyric in one of their songs that goes, "true progress means matching the world to the vision in our heads." Is it so crazy and abnormal that I don't really have some special vision in my head? I don't really have a whole lot of goals or aspirations in my life. I'd like to get married some day to a beautiful women with whom I am in love, I'd like to be where God wants me to be and will use me and the things he has blessed me with, and I want to learn to be content. Honestly, past all that, I don't really have a lot in my head. Is a lack of ambition a generational thing or am I just the exception to the rule?