What can I say, I like to rant.

Language warning: The following post contains "cuss words," so read at your own risk. I explained my position on language in an earlier post so if you want to know more, go look at that.

Why the hell do teenage girls feel the need to post pictures of themselves in their itsy bitsy (not always yellow polka dot) bikinis on Facebook? I honestly don't get it. Do they do it to titillate guys? Show themselves off? Show their friends? I don't get it. I mean, lust has been a problem for me for a while so it's not like lusting after hot teenage girls isn't my problem, but putting pictures of you in a skimpy bikini on Facebook for the world to see is really not cool. This attractive girl at my work did just that tonight and along with pictures of her in a bikini are pictures of her younger, hotter sister. For me, lust is as much emotional as it is fisical (haha :) ). Often when I see stuff like girls posting pics of themselves in bikinis on Facebook, it both makes me desire them physically but honestly kinda pushes me away a little bit emotionally. However, it makes me desire to find a wife even more so then I'll have a connection, both emotionally and physically. I'm listening to a Frightened Rabbit Pandora mix and A Lack of Color by Death Cab for Cutie is playing and the lines "Every girl in every girlie magazine can't make me feel any less alone" is very apropos.

I think I might like to marry a foreign woman. I mean, I'd like to marry whoever I'm in love with and that could be any woman depending on personality and physical looks 'cause I'm shallow. However, I feel like non-American girls might be better than American girls. I'm not totally trying to slight American girls but tonight my aunt and uncle came to visit for Memorial Day and they brought a 25 year old Egyptian foreign exchange student and she is very pleasant. I mean, I'm not interested or anything like that, but meeting her and seeing how nice and simple she was, it made me think how hung up and spoiled Americans are but in particular I thought that about American girls. Seeing as how I've been off-and-on bitter about an American teenage girl I like lately, I get where this thinking is coming from.

I'd also like to travel around the world some day. Egypt would a cool place to visit. So would a lot of other places haha.

I don't like having to work with a guy who is an off again, on again prick. For the first couple weeks I worked, he was a jerk, then he began being more chill and professional to me. Every so often he gets all high and mighty but normally he's been alright. Tonight, he returned to being a dick. Not only was he bossing me around (even though he doesn't actually have authority over me) and being sarcastic and kinda bitchy to me while I was working hard, but I'm pretty sure he was mocking me behind my back to two other employees while we were all in a meeting. I mentioned it over text to the dining room manager who is my direct boss, but she didn't seem too concerned unless I said it was harassment, which it wasn't. It's merely a 17 year old prick on a power trip. It's annoying but that's part of life I guess. 

This past weekend I've been really struggling with bitterness. From my one friend, who claimed to be committed to meeting weekly and consistently, partially blowing me off yesterday to go fishing with a friend and postponing our meeting to today to the girl I like being just as disinterested and carefree about me as usual, I've had a lot of opportunities for bitterness to creep up on me. Yesterday I was pretty bitter and I was pretty bitter this morning too, but when I listened to a song by a band called Staple on the way to church this morning and then when I thought about a line from the book my friend and I are going over, I started to let go of my bitterness. First, the song said, "Bottled up inside, and swallowing me, I’ve fallen in love with hate, and now I’m finding that it’s too late. This bitterness won’t leave, so now I see By harboring these memories, they now own me." That stuck out to me. Then, I was looking back over the chapter we had planned on having read by this meeting and a line near the end said, "This is the way of Christ. Instead of asserting ourselves, we crucify ourselves." That hit me. I've been letting bitterness towards people grow inside of me because it soothes the pain and frustration I have, but it's only makings worse. Bitterness isn't a cure, it's only a deferral.

Blue Valentine

I'm in the midst of watching a film called Blue Valentine and as I go along, I'll post quotes from it that I like and then share some thoughts on it. It's a movie about a couple from the beginning of the relationship to the deterioration of it, all interspersed throughout various times.

" I feel like men are more romantic than women. When we get married we marry, like, one girl, 'cause we're resistant the whole way until we meet one girl and we think I'd be an idiot if I didn't marry this girl she's so great. But it seems like girls get to a place where they just kinda pick the best option... 'Oh he's got a good job.' I mean they spend their whole life looking for Prince Charming and then they marry the guy who's got a good job and is gonna stick around."

"How do you trust your feelings when they can just disappear like that?"

"In my experience, the prettier a girl is, the more nuts she is."

/

I've finished the movie. It was...sobering and honest. There were a couple sex scenes that were overly graphic and unnecessary, but the rawness of the relationship presented was well done. The last 30 minutes were better than the rest of the movie. I especially liked the part where the director coincided their marriage with their divorce. The performances were very good and made the film work.

At the end of the film, the husband, Dean, who has just gotten his wife fired from her nursing job for seeing her at work drunk and then punching a doctor, is pleading with his wife not to divorce him but to give him a chance. He says that they promised "for better or for worse" and that this is him at his worst. Thought-provoking.

I really liked this movie because of its realistic portrayal of a broken relationship. It had great acting, thought-provoking themes and dialogue, and was directed very well. However, I thought the sex scenes were unnecessary and were overly graphic (the film was originally NC-17 for one scene of him giving his wife oral sex and while it wasn't completely explicit, it was quite graphic). I watched it on my computer so I was able to just minimize the dvd player app to avoid some of the graphic stuff but regardless, I think those scenes took away from great performances and a profound film. 

I could blog about a lot of things.

Language warning: The following post contains "cuss words," so read at your own risk. I explained my position on language in an earlier post so if you want to know more, go look at that.


I could blog about how I really want to get out of the area, away from all this stuff that's become dull and repetitive and the people who have simply just become faces I look at and voices I interact with. I could blog about how I'm tired of people who don't know when to shut the hell up and do all they can for attention. I could blog about how I'm a huge hypocrite because while I get very irritated with people who are huge attention-seekers, I myself fight to get attention a lot by making jokes or trying to sound all high and mighty. I could blog about how frustrating it is to like a girl who doesn't really care much about me and is more concerned about other guys or herself and how lately all I've wanted to do was to talk to her and spend time with her. I could blog about how over the past month or so I've felt very burnt out over almost everything and everyone. I could blog about how I feel very anti-social and only want to hang out with a very select group of people who are chill. I could blog about how I miss the old days when things weren't so busy, people weren't so loud and self-involved, my sin wasn't always so in my face, and the world wasn't so visibly fucked up. I could blog about a pretty fucked up movie I watched last night that had two and a half rape scenes, a graphic sex scene, and some really messed up plot points.

Yeah, I could blog about a shitload of things tonight.

In my favorite movie musical, West Side Story, there's a fun little ditty called Gee, Officer Krupke. In it, there's a line that goes "It's not I'm anti-social, I'm only anti-work. Glory osky, that's why I'm a jerk!" I think I fit the opposite of that first sentence and dead on with the second. I'm not anti-work, because work accomplishes something and has a goal. However, when it comes to the majority of people, I'm pretty anti-social. I'm particular about a lot of things and I consider myself to be a chill (though somewhat tightly wound) person, and when other people are more...boisterous...than I am, I tend to get annoyed, high and mighty, and less desiring to hang out with them. Honestly, I'll be the first to admit that I am a jerk. I'm a dick. I'm an arrogant, self-centered, self-righteous, judgmental dick. I don't necessarily think I'm of higher value than others but honestly, a lot of the time I think my time and opinion is of more importance than others. It's sinful and wrong, but that's evidence of how far my corruption has blossomed.

I'd just like to say that EMusic is awesome. I used a free trial code my mom got with her laptop to start my own account and I got $17.50 worth of credit for the site plus a free audiobook credit, which I used to get Demetri Martin's audiobook version of This Is A Book. I've already used some of the music credit to get some good music (finished the Gaslight Anthem's debut album) and I plan on getting more soon enough.

The Fred Jones Pt. 2 (by Ben Folds) Pandora station is pretty good, even though it's begun repeating some songs...



I think it's very easy for people, or at least me, to view ourselves as victims. Like, thinking stuff like, "I'm a jerk because I'm lonely" or "I'm angry because of what he/she did" or "I'm only this way because it's how I was raised." I know I often think that I'm "lonely" because I've never had a girlfriend or any sort of romantic connection with a girl and that's why I'm bitter and cynical. But for one thing, I probably have very little clue what true loneliness is and regardless of that, bitterness and cynicism are still a choice I make. I don't have to be bitter about things, I merely choose to be. I don't have to be cynical about life and relationships, I just find that it's easier than risking hope because being let down is awful. Last night I watched a movie called The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo, which by the way was the most fucked up movie I've ever seen. The plot was pretty interesting but what was so awful was that it contained multiple rape scenes, sex scenes, and some just plain grisly scenes. What this has to do with this paragraph is that one of the main characters, a weird looking bi-sexual chick named Lisbeth, is raped and in vengeance sexually assaults the man who raped her with a sex toy. Not only that but there is a flashback scene of her as a child tossing a cup of gasoline on her father as he is in his car and then throwing a match on him and watching him burn to death. If I remember correctly, I think the movie said he had beat her and her mother or raped her or something awful like that. Anyway, she's a pretty screwed up character and it is very evident throughout the film. Some people might argue that she (and her actions) are merely a result of the horrible things from her past and that she is therefore a victim of her circumstances. I don't think that's true. Yes, all the stuff from her past is truly awful, but even in the most horrid of situations, people have a choice. She had a choice when confronting her assailant. She had a choice when she stood by her dad's car. I think all of us humans have free will and even though our choices might be influenced by whatever circumstances we've been through, what remains is our choice. I'm not a victim of anything. I'm a sinner. There is evil in my heart that has been there and grown since I was born. My only hope is through Jesus and his forgiveness. Without that, I'm just, to quote Frightened Rabbit, "a body adrift in water, salt, and sky."

This is a long blog post. Oh well. Hopefully in 10 minutes or so I'll be able to watch the South Park rebroadcast. I guess I'll end here and if I think of anything I want to add, I'll just edit this post.

Um

When the hell did every girl and her older female friend get nose piercings? Seriously. I honestly don't remember when so many women decided that nose piercings were cool nor do I understand why. I've seen women ranging from 17 year old high school students to 20-something year old college students to moms in their 30s, all with nose piercings. What the hell?

Ferris Bueller's Day Off

is of one of my favorite movies. Not only is it a funny, fun, entertaining 80s classic, it has one character in particular with whom I relate the most out of all the movies I've seen. That character is Cameron Frye. Cameron Frye is a guy in the final semester of high school who doesn't know where he wants to go to college, what he wants to do with his life, or who he wants to be. Not only is this uncertainty something I can really relate to but Cameron is also relatable when it comes to the opposite sex. Throughout the film, Cameron is the tagalong with his best friend Ferris and Ferris' girlfriend Sloan. I've been there many times before. Not only that but Cameron is very cynical about relationships, mainly due to his parents' bad marriage. Now, my parents have a good marriage so I'm not cynical because of that but there's an awful lot of reasons why I am cynical.
All this to say, the strongest point of relation between myself and Cameron Frye can be summed up by a quote from the one and only, Ferris Bueller (warning: some profanity):
"Cameron has never been in love - at least, nobody's ever been in love with him. If things don't change for him, he's gonna marry the first girl he lays, and she's gonna treat him like shit, because she will have given him what he has built up in his mind as the end-all, be-all of human existence. She won't respect him, 'cause you can't respect somebody who kisses your ass. It just doesn't work."

And that is what I'm most afraid of in my life when it comes to relationships. I've never had a girlfriend or any sort of romantic connection with a girl, so I know what it's like to be one my own and at times lonely. But the thought of getting a taste of a relationship and then spending my life chasing something I'll never get back and someone who doesn't love or respect me sounds like an awful way to live. I've had a small glimpse of this sort of thing because I like a girl I've become close friends with and she doesn't really care much about me back nor does she really respect me. However, I'm trying to cut off my feelings for her and only time will tell how my romantic life progresses.

I'll end this post with another quote from Ferris Bueller:
"Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it."

Adolescence and immaturity

Language warning: The following post contains "cuss words," so read at your own risk. I explained my position on language in an earlier post so if you want to know more, go look at that.

I am fed up with adolescence, immaturity, and all the other bullshit that I deal with in myself and in high schoolers. One friend of mine has told me twice that he's committed to meeting weekly to discuss a book we're reading together and also meet for accountability. However, at least three times he's either cancelled, not prepared, or not made time in his schedule for this thing he claims he's "committed" to doing. Another friend of mine, a girl I'm somewhat close to and have minor feelings for, has decided she's back to liking a guy she dumped about seven months ago and goes on and on about him and his new girlfriend, who according to her is like her twin. And for me, I'm tired of this very-present desire to talk to this girl, hang out with this girl, and be connected with her when she doesn't really give a shit about me. If my Twitter were not public and if I didn't have some friends who might be offended or off put by me swearing I'd probably post a tweet right now saying something along the lines of "Fuck immaturity and adolescence. Grow the fuck up already!" But I won't do that.

Aside from these trifle annoyances, life is going pretty well right now. School is winding down, I'm getting solid hours at work, and even though I'm kind of burnt out on a lot of things right now, God is good and faithful as always.

A nice little quote from "Harvey"

I'm watching an old Jimmy Stewart classic called "Harvey." It's about a nice guy who is best friends with an invisible 6 ft 3 inch rabbit that very few people can see. It's mildly funny but it has that old movie heartwarming feel.

Anyway, here is a quote I really liked from it,

"Harvey and I sit in the bars... have a drink or two... play the jukebox. And soon the faces of all the other people they turn toward mine and they smile. And they're saying, "We don't know your name, mister, but you're a very nice fella." Harvey and I warm ourselves in all these golden moments. We've entered as strangers - soon we have friends. And they come over... and they sit with us... and they drink with us... and they talk to us. They tell about the big terrible things they've done and the big wonderful things they'll do. Their hopes, and their regrets, and their loves, and their hates. All very large, because nobody ever brings anything small into a bar. And then I introduce them to Harvey... and he's bigger and grander than anything they offer me. And when they leave, they leave impressed. The same people seldom come back; but that's envy, my dear. There's a little bit of envy in the best of us." 

I like this quote a lot too:

"Years ago my mother used to say to me, she'd say, "In this world, Elwood, you must be" -- she
always called me Elwood -- "In this world, Elwood, you must be oh so smart or oh so pleasant."
Well, for years I was smart. I recommend pleasant. You may quote me."