Language warning: The following post contains "cuss words," so read at your own risk. I explained my position on language in an earlier post so if you want to know more, go look at that.
and I'm realizing that I am too fucking old to be dealing with high school dramatic shit. I've been slowly trying to wean myself off of Girl A in the past week or two but this nagging desire to talk to her and try to connect with her keeps coming up. It's really come about the past two nights since I've been tired from work and really desiring to have some fun and spend time with someone who isn't just one of the guys I hang out with all the time. Last night I texted her to ask if she was busy and might want to hang out when I get off work and she was skyping her friend and then tonight she's having a sleepover with that same friend and apparently some guy who knows a guy at our church friended her on fb and asked for her number, which she gave to him for whatever fucking reason, and he then called her babe which made her feel awkward. Gosh, I am so fucking tired of all this teenage immature bullshit. I told one of my friends about the situation last week and he pointed out how I'm an adult now and I shouldn't have to get involved in little kid drama about boys and girls and who likes who and all that shit. He was right.
Last night I read a chapter in a book we got from camp last week called Counterfeit Gods. In the chapter, the author talked about the idolatry of love and how we as people always search and hope for one thing and end up with something less. He used the Biblical story of Jacob, Rachel, and Leah and pointed out how Jacob was idolizing Rachel's physical beauty and worked 7 years for her but was then given Leah on his wedding night instead. The author said, "no matter what we put our hopes in, in the morning, it is always Leah [the unattractive, unwanted one], never Rachel [the beautiful, desired one]." I think I'm really learning all about that. Girl A has become Rachel in my mind and in my hopes, desires, and what-could-be's but every time we talk now, it's like she's only Leah to me. There's always another guy. There's always something else going on for her. I've had enough of all this trying to get something (well, someone) that isn't mine and never will be. I'm burnt out on relationships. Today I watched Up In The Air, a really good movie that explores the emptiness of a life without relationships. In it, the main guy, who is this closed off guy who travels around the country firing people for a living, has to talk to his sister's fiance who is having cold feet about getting married. In his little speech, he asks the fiance about the best moments in his life and if he was with people or alone. He then argues for the necessity of relationships, despite the cost and the baggage, and says "Life is better with company." I believe it. However, I've yet to find the right company for my life.
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