After a busy day and a somewhat stressful night of work, I'm thinking about what it means to truly follow Christ. I've been listening to Mute Math a lot in the past week since I bought their latest album, Odd Soul, and the title of this post is from a song off their last album (Armistice). The song is called Spotlight and it's about pressure and people and all that. I've heard the line plenty of times before but tonight it really got me thinking. There's a lot of things that I fight to hold, such as my pride, my self worth, my hopes for a future spouse, and my own desires, and I think that all those things are what I need to let go.
In Luke 9:23, Jesus says, "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me." I think it's normative (got that weird from Southeastern classes, thank ya very much) for us to read this verse and focus on the "take up his cross daily" part. We look at the trials and tribulations of the world and we think, "I've got to take up my cross today." And while that's completely true, I think we often forget the "deny himself" part of what our Savior said. I think the cost of following Christ requires us to "take up our cross daily" but it also requires us to deny ourselves, to let go.
I've never been a big proponent of the "American dream." I'm not much for making lots of money, nor am I that interested in being famous or having a big house and/or car. However, there is one part of the nightmare I've held a desire for for quite some time and that is for a wife. Maybe not the blonde bombshell barbie-type that seems to be typecast but ever since I was a little kid dreaming of the Olsen twins, I've longed for the deep, beautiful, intimate sort of companionship that comes (or at least should come) in a godly marriage. This desire has been a plague upon me for quite a while. It's brought fear and doubt into every time I've liked a girl and it's been what really drowns me in sorrow when I'm either rejected, ignored, or both. Lately, I've felt like I've been close to or at least have seen a glimpse of what a godly woman and godly relationship could look like and this part of the nightmare has hung over my head.
Now I say all this not to be over-dramatic (which I am being) but because this is what I was thinking about what I hear the line tonight. I went with the college group this weekend to go rock climbing and get away and while the weekend wasn't totally bad, it wasn't as good as I'd hoped it would be. It wore me out and the longest conversation I had with Girl C was over text and even then all that she was saying turned out to be her playing a joke on me. So yeah, that kind of put a huge cloud over the weekend.
But anyway, with all that on my mind and heart, I think I've got to let go of this unrealistic expectation/hope I have for her and I, as well to let go of my pride and self-worth, especially at work where I want to fire back at people who are stupid or critical. I can't just stop liking Girl C but I've got to let go of this idolatrous desire that not only pushes me toward despair and bitterness when she ignores or rejects me but also keeps me from truly loving her as Christ does.
So all this to say, it's time to stop fighting to hold on to the things of which I must let go. My love for others and my heart before God depend on it.
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