I could blog about a lot of things.

Language warning: The following post contains "cuss words," so read at your own risk. I explained my position on language in an earlier post so if you want to know more, go look at that.


I could blog about how I really want to get out of the area, away from all this stuff that's become dull and repetitive and the people who have simply just become faces I look at and voices I interact with. I could blog about how I'm tired of people who don't know when to shut the hell up and do all they can for attention. I could blog about how I'm a huge hypocrite because while I get very irritated with people who are huge attention-seekers, I myself fight to get attention a lot by making jokes or trying to sound all high and mighty. I could blog about how frustrating it is to like a girl who doesn't really care much about me and is more concerned about other guys or herself and how lately all I've wanted to do was to talk to her and spend time with her. I could blog about how over the past month or so I've felt very burnt out over almost everything and everyone. I could blog about how I feel very anti-social and only want to hang out with a very select group of people who are chill. I could blog about how I miss the old days when things weren't so busy, people weren't so loud and self-involved, my sin wasn't always so in my face, and the world wasn't so visibly fucked up. I could blog about a pretty fucked up movie I watched last night that had two and a half rape scenes, a graphic sex scene, and some really messed up plot points.

Yeah, I could blog about a shitload of things tonight.

In my favorite movie musical, West Side Story, there's a fun little ditty called Gee, Officer Krupke. In it, there's a line that goes "It's not I'm anti-social, I'm only anti-work. Glory osky, that's why I'm a jerk!" I think I fit the opposite of that first sentence and dead on with the second. I'm not anti-work, because work accomplishes something and has a goal. However, when it comes to the majority of people, I'm pretty anti-social. I'm particular about a lot of things and I consider myself to be a chill (though somewhat tightly wound) person, and when other people are more...boisterous...than I am, I tend to get annoyed, high and mighty, and less desiring to hang out with them. Honestly, I'll be the first to admit that I am a jerk. I'm a dick. I'm an arrogant, self-centered, self-righteous, judgmental dick. I don't necessarily think I'm of higher value than others but honestly, a lot of the time I think my time and opinion is of more importance than others. It's sinful and wrong, but that's evidence of how far my corruption has blossomed.

I'd just like to say that EMusic is awesome. I used a free trial code my mom got with her laptop to start my own account and I got $17.50 worth of credit for the site plus a free audiobook credit, which I used to get Demetri Martin's audiobook version of This Is A Book. I've already used some of the music credit to get some good music (finished the Gaslight Anthem's debut album) and I plan on getting more soon enough.

The Fred Jones Pt. 2 (by Ben Folds) Pandora station is pretty good, even though it's begun repeating some songs...



I think it's very easy for people, or at least me, to view ourselves as victims. Like, thinking stuff like, "I'm a jerk because I'm lonely" or "I'm angry because of what he/she did" or "I'm only this way because it's how I was raised." I know I often think that I'm "lonely" because I've never had a girlfriend or any sort of romantic connection with a girl and that's why I'm bitter and cynical. But for one thing, I probably have very little clue what true loneliness is and regardless of that, bitterness and cynicism are still a choice I make. I don't have to be bitter about things, I merely choose to be. I don't have to be cynical about life and relationships, I just find that it's easier than risking hope because being let down is awful. Last night I watched a movie called The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo, which by the way was the most fucked up movie I've ever seen. The plot was pretty interesting but what was so awful was that it contained multiple rape scenes, sex scenes, and some just plain grisly scenes. What this has to do with this paragraph is that one of the main characters, a weird looking bi-sexual chick named Lisbeth, is raped and in vengeance sexually assaults the man who raped her with a sex toy. Not only that but there is a flashback scene of her as a child tossing a cup of gasoline on her father as he is in his car and then throwing a match on him and watching him burn to death. If I remember correctly, I think the movie said he had beat her and her mother or raped her or something awful like that. Anyway, she's a pretty screwed up character and it is very evident throughout the film. Some people might argue that she (and her actions) are merely a result of the horrible things from her past and that she is therefore a victim of her circumstances. I don't think that's true. Yes, all the stuff from her past is truly awful, but even in the most horrid of situations, people have a choice. She had a choice when confronting her assailant. She had a choice when she stood by her dad's car. I think all of us humans have free will and even though our choices might be influenced by whatever circumstances we've been through, what remains is our choice. I'm not a victim of anything. I'm a sinner. There is evil in my heart that has been there and grown since I was born. My only hope is through Jesus and his forgiveness. Without that, I'm just, to quote Frightened Rabbit, "a body adrift in water, salt, and sky."

This is a long blog post. Oh well. Hopefully in 10 minutes or so I'll be able to watch the South Park rebroadcast. I guess I'll end here and if I think of anything I want to add, I'll just edit this post.