Language warning: The following post contains "cuss words," so read at your own risk. I explained my position on language in an earlier post so if you want to know more, go look at that.
Why the hell do teenage girls feel the need to post pictures of themselves in their itsy bitsy (not always yellow polka dot) bikinis on Facebook? I honestly don't get it. Do they do it to titillate guys? Show themselves off? Show their friends? I don't get it. I mean, lust has been a problem for me for a while so it's not like lusting after hot teenage girls isn't my problem, but putting pictures of you in a skimpy bikini on Facebook for the world to see is really not cool. This attractive girl at my work did just that tonight and along with pictures of her in a bikini are pictures of her younger, hotter sister. For me, lust is as much emotional as it is fisical (haha :) ). Often when I see stuff like girls posting pics of themselves in bikinis on Facebook, it both makes me desire them physically but honestly kinda pushes me away a little bit emotionally. However, it makes me desire to find a wife even more so then I'll have a connection, both emotionally and physically. I'm listening to a Frightened Rabbit Pandora mix and A Lack of Color by Death Cab for Cutie is playing and the lines "Every girl in every girlie magazine can't make me feel any less alone" is very apropos.
I think I might like to marry a foreign woman. I mean, I'd like to marry whoever I'm in love with and that could be any woman depending on personality and physical looks 'cause I'm shallow. However, I feel like non-American girls might be better than American girls. I'm not totally trying to slight American girls but tonight my aunt and uncle came to visit for Memorial Day and they brought a 25 year old Egyptian foreign exchange student and she is very pleasant. I mean, I'm not interested or anything like that, but meeting her and seeing how nice and simple she was, it made me think how hung up and spoiled Americans are but in particular I thought that about American girls. Seeing as how I've been off-and-on bitter about an American teenage girl I like lately, I get where this thinking is coming from.
I'd also like to travel around the world some day. Egypt would a cool place to visit. So would a lot of other places haha.
I don't like having to work with a guy who is an off again, on again prick. For the first couple weeks I worked, he was a jerk, then he began being more chill and professional to me. Every so often he gets all high and mighty but normally he's been alright. Tonight, he returned to being a dick. Not only was he bossing me around (even though he doesn't actually have authority over me) and being sarcastic and kinda bitchy to me while I was working hard, but I'm pretty sure he was mocking me behind my back to two other employees while we were all in a meeting. I mentioned it over text to the dining room manager who is my direct boss, but she didn't seem too concerned unless I said it was harassment, which it wasn't. It's merely a 17 year old prick on a power trip. It's annoying but that's part of life I guess.
This past weekend I've been really struggling with bitterness. From my one friend, who claimed to be committed to meeting weekly and consistently, partially blowing me off yesterday to go fishing with a friend and postponing our meeting to today to the girl I like being just as disinterested and carefree about me as usual, I've had a lot of opportunities for bitterness to creep up on me. Yesterday I was pretty bitter and I was pretty bitter this morning too, but when I listened to a song by a band called Staple on the way to church this morning and then when I thought about a line from the book my friend and I are going over, I started to let go of my bitterness. First, the song said, "Bottled up inside, and swallowing me, I’ve fallen in love with hate, and now I’m finding that it’s too late. This bitterness won’t leave, so now I see By harboring these memories, they now own me." That stuck out to me. Then, I was looking back over the chapter we had planned on having read by this meeting and a line near the end said, "This is the way of Christ. Instead of asserting ourselves, we crucify ourselves." That hit me. I've been letting bitterness towards people grow inside of me because it soothes the pain and frustration I have, but it's only makings worse. Bitterness isn't a cure, it's only a deferral.
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