Fear is something I've wrestled with my entire life. When I was a kid, it was fear of other kids I didn't know who were different than I was. This came in the form of kids on my soccer team who were raised differently than I was and were of a less kind behavioral mold. When I was a teenager, it was two things mainly. First and foremost, it was a fear of being in the spotlight. It was a fear of public speaking or having to lead in some way or to stand up for something on my own. Second, it was a fear of girls. I don't mean "Ah! XX genes, run away, run away!" No, for me it was more of a fear of how to talk to them, treat them, and interact with them. For a number of years, I would have an internal freak out every single time a girl in the youth group would hug me. Thoughts of "Where should I put my hands? If I put them there will she get mad or be creeped out?" and others were a plague upon me in middle and high school.
Now in college, I deal with bits and pieces of all the prior fears but a larger fear looms over me. I'm a very insecure person and in trying to get to know Girl C (I've been texting and tweeting her off&on the past two days), I am absolutely terrified of talking to much and pushing her away. I would love to talk with her for hours and hours to get to know her. Last night we were texting sporadically and I would've loved to have kept talking to her all night long even though I was tired and had to be up at 6:15 this morning. However, I texted her after I got out of my monday night class and she didn't reply, so that was the end of that. I say all that because I'm afraid that if I text her again or tweet her today (I tweeted her something a little while ago and then deleted it out of fear) that she might get annoyed or think I'm being pushy or overly friendly.
I think my biggest fear in regards to people is becoming obsolete. I'm afraid of everyone just saying "We don't need or want you anymore" and me being stranded in this world so far from home by myself. Now, it's a pretty unrealistic fear because God has promised to never leave or forsake me and I think that he loves and blesses us with people in our lives that we don't deserve. However, the fear still remains and it has come on full force lately in regards to Girl C. I guess my worst fear would be to ask her out and she respond with, "No, I don't have any interest in you and you have nothing of worth." I think one of my problems is that I have trouble finding my worth in Christ and instead look to others for it. I am a fool.
I feel like this isn't something I can talk about with a lot of people because most people would say something like, "Oh, God works for the good of those who love him, so don't worry." While that's true, that does not mean that God will necessarily bless his people with the specific blessings they desire. God's working for my good. I get that. That doesn't mean I stand a chance with Girl C. God remains good but it's the unknown that gives fear a foothold.
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