"I know it's not you my dear, I know it's not you. I know it's not you my dear, it's the nothing that kills."

I took a chance tonight. The turnout was bittersweet. Now, I just don't know in what way to move forward.


Basically, I asked Girl C out, she said yes but later told me that she doesn't have romantic interest in me, just friendship.

This might be the first time I ever blog and journal simultaneously.

I just don't know what to do. I realize that anything worth having is worth fighting for and so if I want to win her heart I have to make an effort, but at the same time I feel like I might be going on false hope as always. I didn't have an expectation that she likes me back but I had this hope that there was interest because she seems to joke with me more than other guys and we went to the Fleet Foxes show together and all these other little things that made me think there was a connection.

The really tough thing is that Girl C was the very first girl I actually believed could like me in return. Every other girl I've ever liked always treated either like dirt or like I was only a guy with no romantic potential but I felt like Girl C and I connected and she's different than any other girl I've met and yet I'm nothing more than a friend to her.

I guess I'm just struggling with what to do now. I care about her and want to get to know her. We set up a lunch meeting (I'm not gonna call it a date because as the Jon Foreman lyric goes, "It takes two to go to war but only one to fall in love" (not that I'm in love with her or anything that major)) for Friday and I don't know if I should cancel or go. On the one hand, I want to go because just spending time with her would be amazing and I'm not trying to push some big romance on her so the simplicity would work. Plus I want to hope that maybe we'll get to hang out and the whole Ben Gibbard "I Will Possess Your Heart" will happen and romantic love will blossom from friendship. That's sort of what I wanted in the first place but I was hoping that there'd be at least a foundational interest.  However, on the other hand I feel like going would postpone the inevitable of me having to move on from yet another girl who had no interest in me.

I just don't know. Do I move on, settle for being friends and nothing more, or hang on a thread of hope for something more?

"God is God and I am not, I can only see a part of the picture he's painting. God is God and I am man, so I'll never understand it all, for only God is God. "