Wrestling

When I'm wrestling with something, what better way to think it out then coming to the blog? Ha. Ha. But seriously, that's exactly what I'm going do. My soundtrack is a couple of the new Thrice tracks (which are great) and then some songs off Matt Papa's This Changes Everything. This is going to be more stream-of-consciousness than usual...

So, what am I wrestling with? Well, it's definitely something I've never wrestled with before. I'm wrestling with the decision of whether or not to ask Girl C out. I really feel like that James 1 double-minded man right now. I've gone from being 100% sure that I should ask her out to being 100% sure I shouldn't and pretty much everything in between. I've penned my pros and cons and I've weighed peoples opinions and still I'm not on solid ground.
From the perspective of what I want, I want to ask her out. She's kind, funny, smart, cute, and (from what I've seen) has a loving servants heart. To be honest, this is the first girl I've ever been interested in who I can actually imagining myself wanting to marry and marrying. Before, all my affections were based on either lust or on how the girl treated me or some other foolish excuse of shifting sand. This time though, I feel like there's some real here.
All that said, I'm only 19 and she's a few weeks from 19. In the grand scheme, we're still kids. I don't know what I want to do with my life, I don't know whether or not I want to stay at Southeastern or transfer, I don't know what I want to do after college, I really don't know anything.
So if I ask her and she says no, well nothing really changes. It'll hurt and make the rest of my day pretty awful but her response would only be a vocalization of what I've gotten from plenty of girls before. If she says no, my lonely life goes on without missing much of a beat.
If she says yes, then I start to get to know her. I'm a horrible overthinker so I can't help but think about marriage down the road and take that into consideration even though I'm only thinking of asking her out to get to know her to see if I want to court her for marriage. We should both be finished college by 21 or 22, then what?
I just read a comment her dad made on a prank status a couple guys made on her FB profile about marrying her and he basically said that he thinks marriage should wait till years after school and that a guy needs to have a job and a foundation in life before he were to try and marry her and that got me thinking. All this is hypothetical but is love enough of a basis for a relationship even if I didn't have a career or a life goal? I dunno.
I feel like pursuing someone when my entire future is blurry at best would be unwise, yet I desire someone still. And then comes yet another addition to my strained thoughts. Girl C went on a couple dates with a guy recently and even though nothing came out of it, I feel like this girl is special and if I don't take a chance soon, someone else will and I could miss out on someone amazing. Sure I could just go with the safe route that my dad suggested and try and hang out with her in a group sort of way but there's not guarantee she doesn't start dating someone while I spend my time trying to casually get to know her.
I've always been a wait and see kind of guy. I'm not one for taking risks or chances, so there's this part of me that's saying "It's time to take a chance on this girl!" while another part is telling me that I'm young and immature.
All these people around me are getting engaged and married or are dating people and I keep trying to look at others' relationships with hopes that maybe I'll gain some insight into what to do in my own, but when it all comes down, I'm the one who has to make the choice, not anyone else. What I want is to get to know her and find out if she's someone I want to marry, but my head is telling me that I need to grow up before I consider starting a path towards being a husband. I know I'm overthinking it because marriage is off in the distance but it is so hard for me to just look at the present when the future keeps popping up.

Something just came to my mind. I'm thinking maybe instead of being all "Hey you seem really awesome and I'd like to get to know you more, wanna go out sometime?" I could just talk to her and be like "You seem really awesome and I'd really like to get to know you more, but I'm not sure I'm at the maturity level to try and pursue you romantically but I'd still like spend time with you and get to know you." Maybe I'll just pull her aside one day and say whatever comes out.

It's late and I'm planning on getting up around 10 to go run at the nature park, so I'll end here.

"It's a fight between my heart and mind
No one really wins this time
No one really wins this time"
[finished at 1:12AM]
[picked back up at 1:32AM]
Laying in bed, I think I've come to a conclusion. I think the wisest course of action would be for me not to ask her, at least not yet. If I truly believe that God is in control and whatever happens will be for his glory and for my good in the end(which I do), then it would be foolish for me to ask Girl C out just because I'm afraid someone else might "beat me to the punch." It would be foolish of me to pursue something which requires the maturity that I'm not sure I have yet. If pursuing and marrying Girl C is in God's plan for my life, awesome. If not, God remains good. I'm not going to rush God's perfect timing just because I'm 19 and impatient.

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
   neither are your ways my ways,”
            declares the LORD.
“As the heavens are higher than the earth,
   so are my ways higher than your ways
   and my thoughts than your thoughts."
Isaiah 55:8-9