Entitlement

I'm tired of living with a selfish entitlement problem in my heart and mind. A lot of the time when I do something that I know is right to love someone else or to honor God, I feel after like "I do all this but why don't I have what I want?" For much of the time, the "what I want" part is more like "I do this but I don't have any romantic other" as if my good works entitle me to having a girlfriend or something. Part of the problem (other than my evil heart) is the whole idea of being a "good guy." Girls always talk about how they want a good guy, not some loser like the ones they always date, so naturally all the single guys like me puff ourselves up thinking we're somehow good and therefore get bitter because we don't get the girls we want. I'm about to go to work so i'll finish this blog later.

This is later. Work was a'ight. I hung out with Girl A after because honestly, I just wanted to genuinely enjoy something tonight and even though our relationship is mostly a one-way street, I just enjoy hanging out with her from time to time.

Earlier on my way to work I was listening to some old Steven Curtis Chapman and I listened to the songs "More To This Life" and "For The Sake of the Call." Both hit me more than I expected. The former shook my thinking about life a little bit because it's very easy for me to just put my head down and go through the daily routine of work and school and all that and only hope for something beautiful and worthwhile to happen in my life but that song got me remembering how the world is broken but God pours out grace (undeserved favor) on us all the time and because he first loved us and first gave us what we didn't deserve, it's our, heck it's my job to love others and give them favor even if they in no way deserve it. The latter got me in a more present way. I was asked to drive about 30-40 minutes tomorrow morning to help shuttle some students from Louisburg College to Open Door for the service tomorrow and since the time I was asked the other day, I've been entirely against it. Getting up way earlier than normal to drive an hour up and back to pick up some people I don't know and probably have nothing in common with and then sit in the car for a 30 minute car ride of awkward turtle-ness? Sure, what's not to envy. But in that song, the line "We will abandon it all for the sake of the call" got me thinking that if I truly believe that Jesus is the son of God, that he came to earth, lived a sinless life, died a sinners death, rose again three days later, and atoned for the sins of a corrupt world, then I have to be willing to abandon everything, even something so miniscule as my comfort, my sleep, and my time/money/effort. Do I want to do this tomorrow morning? No. But I will because that's what Christ has called me to. Doing this tomorrow will be me trying to give grace to some people, just as Jesus gave it to me. And honestly, there won't be any roses for me. Girl A isn't gonna find out and be like "Oh Dan, you are such a good guy! I now have deep, honest feelings of affection for you and I want to get to know you on a deeper, more real level!" nor is this cute girl, who I guess I'll call Girl C (I have a reason for skipping from B to C), who I've been trying to get to know lately because she's cute and she's highly spoken of and seems to have a godly heart, (nor will she) suddenly realize I'm a good guy (which if I'm honest, I'm not) and develop an interest in me. God never promised that by honoring him through our lives that he would give us significant others or (for some people) nice cars or houses or whatever the American dream promises. God promised that he would be faithful, he would be merciful, he would love us even in the midst of our filth and treachery, and that he would never leave us. Sometimes it's hard to hold on to that promise when I so greatly desire companionship, but I have to preach to myself daily that God is in control, that he loves me as no other could or would, and that I am where he wants me to be and who he wants me to be. No more, no less. I've gotta be up at like 7:50 tomorrow, which isn't so bad but I'm a total wuss so it's early for me, so I'll end here.