If I were a monster, would you wince when you looked at me?

I think when it comes down to it, we're all wrestling with something every moment of every day. Be it feelings, thoughts, ideas, desires, or el chupacabra, we all wrestle with something daily. Me, I wrestle with all sorts of stuff every day. Sometimes it's feelings over people, sin in my life, decisions I need to make, things of which I'm unsure, or just abstract ideas that everyone but me seems to get. That's kind of part of the reason I blog. I mean, I use this place to vent about situations or relationships that I'm struggling with, but I also like to try and put down thoughts I'm working through.

Anyway, I'm about to write something very pessimistic with some profanity mixed in. It's not because I'm in a bad mood or anything, I actually had a good night. Here goes...

I think when it all comes down, there are very few people who truly love other people. I think most people have 2-3 people at most who would actually put that person before themselves. This seems kinda dark but I feel like most people don't really give a shit about other people. I mean there are friendships that are strong and stuff but even then, most relationships are leaning towards selfish than selfless.

I'm not really sure where this is coming from. I guess I'm just thinking about the friends in my life and how I doubt that many of them genuinely care about me. I have a few friends that I know I can depend on and really, that's more than enough. Honestly, I'm really blessed with my friendships and that's a blessing I often ignore because I wanna be a pouty little douchebag when I wanna be a pouty little douchebag.

I'm a shitty friend. I may do nice things for my friends on rare occasion but more often than not, it's for some self-seeking reason. Honestly, if I had a bunch of me's for friends, I'd be even more fucked up than I already am. Thankfully, God's blessed me with people who will talk to me, spend time with me, and even help me even though their best interest is far from what I'm seeking.

The idea of loving others is something I've been having a lot of trouble getting lately. I think THE best picture of loving others is what Jesus did on the cross. Knowing full well that many people would reject him, many would curse him, and many would run from him, Jesus still chose to take hold the full wrath of God in place of mankind. I just don't know how to do even the tiniest fraction of that. I have trouble doing even the most minuscule of kind things for someone else if they don't return the favor and honestly, it's near impossible when there's not even an acknowledgement of these saintly acts of mine. / I ought to be praised! / Woe is me, for I am a man of unclean lips.

I think my pessimism draws from the sinfulness I see in my own heart combined with the sinfulness of the world. When we're all so broken, it's hard to "believe in yourself" and others. I find that all I can do is put my trust in God who is faithful when I am not, who loves when my apathy is mixed with hate, and who judges justly when I judge with a forest in my eye.

It's late (as usual when I blog) and I'm subbing at MOPS tomorrow, so I gotta go to bed. I'll end with the chorus and bridge of the song from which this blog's title comes. It's called Monster and it's by The Almost:

If I were a monster,

Would you wince

When you looked at me?

If I were a freak, would you stare?

If I were a leper,

Would you say unclean?

If I was lost.

Would you help me get free?

When I am a monster,

You never wince,

When You look at me.

When I am a freak, You never stare.

When I am a leper,

You never say unclean,

And when I am lost,

You come and get me free.

You come and get me free.