Cynicism

Language warning:



I think I'm becoming a cynic and I don't think that's a good thing. Maybe cynic isn't the right word? I dunno. All I know is that every day I continue to see how sinful I and the others around me are and I feel like life is really fucked up. I mean, I think that's what sin has done to the world since Adam. It fractured our relationship with God and poisoned our nature.
 For me, it's like selfishness and sin just bleed into EVERY single thing I do. I feel like I can't hang out with anybody or go anywhere without thinking something along the lines of "how can this benefit me?" or "what can I gain from this?" I'll use a brutally honest example. I've become good friends with a girl at church over the past couple months through talking often, being involved in a family crisis she had, and *trying* to help her with some relationship problems. Now this girl is very attractive and has a cool personality, so I've been trying to keep the friendship up and keep talking to her throughout the week through text, skype, or facebook. Now, I won't say that I have only selfish motives in this situation because I am attempting to be a good friend to her since she's got a LOT of shitty friends and very few good ones and I'm *trying* to be a godly influence in her life (which isn't going so well since I'm lacking in the godliness area), but I've also been trying to keep the friendship up because I'm getting attention from a hot girl, something I've had very little of in my lifetime. I don't say that last part to get all woe-is-me, but by being homeschooled all my life and now going to a small Christian "college," my social life has always been lacking and since I'm a bit of a loser, hot girls usually don't seem too interested. This isn't to say that this girl is romantically interested in me but she at least *seems* to like being friends and talking and all that. I don't think I genuinely like like this girl but to quote the band Copeland, "I'm a sucker for a kind word," to which I would only add on "from a pretty face." That, plus I've never really had many close female friends in my life and the few I've had I've either driven away, we've drifted apart, or they moved on. Anyway, this isn't the time for me whining about my social life.
I'm a hypocrite. As I was walking out of the church to my car, all I could think of was "Hypocrite. Hypocrite. You're so full of bullshit, Dan. Bullshit bullshit bullshit." I call people out and criticize them when they're bullshitting people, but then I go and do half the same crap that I call them out for doing. For example, I call the above girl out a lot because she seems to feel like when someone says something nice to her, she has to say something nice in response and usually she doesn't mean it. Like on Facebook when someone says they love her, she'll be like "Oh I love you too soooo much!" or something like that. Now I don't really do that (I've already ranted on the bullshit of Facebook so I won't go into that here) but I seek people's attention just as much (if not more than) she does. I try to be the funny guy and say things that people will laugh at. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. Either way, I'm clawing to be worshipped and adored just like everybody else.
There's a ton more I would like to say or at least could say about all this but I just made a snack and I want to listen to one of my all-time favorite albums (The Devil & God Are Raging Inside Me by Brand New) right now so I'll end here and live to fight another day.

We are the hollow men
We are the stuffed men
Leaning together
Headpiece filled with straw.

(p.s. at some point I wanna blog about T.S. Eliot 'cause a couple of his poems have been on my mind since I read them for Brit Lit last semester).